Advice on how to avoid giving free advice

[ashtoreth]

This may partly be a rant, so bear with me

If I knew an acquaintance who managed a club, for instance, I would not randomly ask them for free entry or VIP passes out of the blue. Or, if I knew a lawyer friend, I would not ask them legal advice without offering to hire them for their services first. I would expect the same back of them.

Unfortunately with our profession people who meet you in a party or have met you once try to approach with random questions or doubts in hope of free advice. Example in question: a girl I know said she saw something in a dream, and what does it mean? It annoys me to have to evade answering such questions because this is the sort of thing I would do professionally and for a fee.

I understand there is such a thing as favours and I am often happy to help (I even work on a sliding scale) but this feels like it happens way too often with me! Especially when I have a dry spell of clients, I feel rather riled up having to deal with freeloaders! Help!

 

[gregory]

I don't do this stuff professionally - but if that happened to me, I would simply offer my business card and say they can make an appointment. Or say - I'd have to take my time to think about that - make an appointment and then I will have the time to discuss it (if you want to be that bit kinder...)

And if I pulled that stunt on someone, that is what I would expect to happen to me

 

[Disa]

I understand what you mean.

When I started learning Tarot, I gave many free readings to gain experience. I still do volunteer readings at the ATA once per month or more when I have time. I have family members and some friends I still read for free. However, I do have a problem with those particular people offering up my services for free.

I have had to say to a friend, "well- I cannot read that person unless she wants to pay. It would be like me offering your services to take pictures at a wedding for free when you are trying to start a photography business. So please refer the friend to my website."

I have most recently had the unpleasant experience of someone whom I read for free telling me repeatedly while I was preparing Thanksgiving dinner for 10 guests that this person they have brought with them would like a reading! 3 days in a row I had to say, "I don't know when you expect me to do this, I'm a bit busy, atm." I had to apologize to the individual and say that I'm so sorry, but this person likes to offer my services at the most inconvenient times. It was quite embarrassing for me, and I felt it inappropirate for the person to be suggesting I stop what I'm doing to do a reading in the midst of being stressed with other things going on.

Though I don't advertise my website and I just do readings on the side, this is precisely the reason I made a website, so people I know can refer their friends and aquaintences. I do have business cards printed up which I do hand out in these cases.

I understand your frustration (I've had 10 requests from only 2 people in the past few days-these are 2 of the people I read for free...and I don't know how to say no to them, only- I will get to it when I can.)

I would say, in your case- hand out your business card, refer them to your website, say call me and we'll make an appointment, or however you go about it. Don't feel guilty.

 

[Magicus Textor]

I understand what you mean.

When I started learning Tarot, I gave many free readings to gain experience. I still do volunteer readings at the ATA once per month or more when I have time. I have family members and some friends I still read for free. However, I do have a problem with those particular people offering up my services for free.

I have had to say to a friend, "well- I cannot read that person unless she wants to pay. It would be like me offering your services to take pictures at a wedding for free when you are trying to start a photography business. So please refer the friend to my website."

I have most recently had the unpleasant experience of someone whom I read for free telling me repeatedly while I was preparing Thanksgiving dinner for 10 guests that this person they have brought with them would like a reading! 3 days in a row I had to say, "I don't know when you expect me to do this, I'm a bit busy, atm." I had to apologize to the individual and say that I'm so sorry, but this person likes to offer my services at the most inconvenient times. It was quite embarrassing for me, and I felt it inappropirate for the person to be suggesting I stop what I'm doing to do a reading in the midst of being stressed with other things going on.

Though I don't advertise my website and I just do readings on the side, this is precisely the reason I made a website, so people I know can refer their friends and aquaintences. I do have business cards printed up which I do hand out in these cases.

I understand your frustration (I've had 10 requests from only 2 people in the past few days-these are 2 of the people I read for free...and I don't know how to say no to them, only- I will get to it when I can.)

I would say, in your case- hand out your business card, refer them to your website, say call me and we'll make an appointment, or however you go about it. Don't feel guilty.

In all seriousness, this just happened to me as I was reading this thread.

I got a call from my mother:

Mother: “Hey, I was just talking to the lady who does my taxes, and I mentioned that you do readings. I gave her your e-mail address and she is going to e-mail you. She asked how much you charge, and I said unfortunately nothing.”

Note that this lady is also one of her customers, and note that I, in fact, do charge, and that my mother's been upset that I've not charged some people because I've done practice readings around here. She's always focused on me making money.

Me: “I do charge.”

Mother: “Oh ok, well do hers for free then tell her about your Web site.”

Me: “Um, no, I will charge. I don't know her.”

Mother: “Oh come on, she's a $10,000 customer.”

Me: “But not my customer. I don't know her. I'm not doing a free reading for her.”

LOL

 

[Chiriku]

Funny story, Magicus. (Obnoxious story, Disa--I can only presume that this offeror-of-your-services is a close family member or lifelong friend you feel you could never cut out of your life, hence your putting up with them).

I like gregory's second response the best but, presuming I wanted to be as tactful as possible and keep the relationship with the requester intact, I would milk it even more for what it's worth. Nod seriously, looking as if you're thinking hard, and say, "Hmmm, yes, that dream/problem does sound interesting. A reading for a client about something like this would require an in-depth session where I could ___ [do a big spread/meditate first/take the time to explore all angles]. Let me know if you want to set up an appointment to do that."

If you don't know the person very well and thus don't have to worry about the relationship, cut straight to the chase with, "Sure, would you like to set up an appointment?"

 

[Apollonia]

This used to happen to me a lot. Now when it happens during a social occasion, I just smile and lightly say something like, “Oh no, I’m off work today,” or “I never mix business with pleasure,” and then I swiftly move on to another topic. I intentionally use words such as “work” and “business” to highlight that this is what I do for a living, and the words “no” or “never” to indicate that this is a closed issue and I will not be susceptible to persuasion. I had to spend some time figuring out the phrases that would work best for me, but I found that after playing through various scenarios in my head, I was prepared and comfortable the next time the situation presented itself, and I have found that without exception, when I express myself in this way, the other person backs down immediately.

With loved ones, I finally just sent an email saying that my work had expanded to the point that I needed to use my time off to rest and recharge, so I would no longer be able to do unpaid readings for friends and family members. So that no one felt singled out, I took care to imply that this was nothing personal, but that I was changing my policy across the board. Without exception, they have responded that they understand and that they will in future schedule and pay for any readings they need from me.

I hope this helps. I was recently talking to my astrologer about this very subject, and she told me that over the years, she has seen many a gifted colleague burn out because they were constantly being asked to do free charts for friends and family members (and then of course, friends of friends and acquaintances of family members). What you do for those who truly need and appropriately compensate you for your services is too valuable to let this happen to you!

 

[Disa]

I got a call from my mother:


LOL

(Obnoxious story, Disa--I can only presume that this offeror-of-your-services is a close family member or lifelong friend you feel you could never cut out of your life, hence your putting up with them).

It WAS my mother! Doh!

Yes, in general it is my mother and a very, very close friend who put me in these positions. The other has done wonderful things for me in the past so I feel it's reciprocal. It's just the timing of it, you know- always during the holidays when things are busy, or in the middle of my own personal stuff. Boundaries work well, when we chose to enforce them

 

[Grizabella]

The way to avoid it is not to read free for anyone. Period. My counselor used to drive me nuts because she'd tell me things like "you teach other people how to treat you." If you've given free readings, then you've taught people that you will give free readings to people, at least sometimes. They can't read your mind as to whether you're in the mood to do it right then or not. So what you now have to do is un-teach them. Just don't ever give anyone a free reading. Then they won't be thinking "I'll give it a try---she said no last time but sometimes she does it anyway." Or "well, she gives me free readings at home, so she might give free readings to my friends, too."

When I realized what the counselor meant, my life changed a lot and it eased my stress level a lot, too. I could accept when it was my own doing---or at least partly---that others did whatever was making me so upset. I didn't think so much less of them that way because I could recognize my own part in it and not totally them just being insensitive or a jerk.

 

[Magicus Textor]

The way to avoid it is not to read free for anyone. Period. My counselor used to drive me nuts because she'd tell me things like "you teach other people how to treat you." If you've given free readings, then you've taught people that you will give free readings to people, at least sometimes. They can't read your mind as to whether you're in the mood to do it right then or not. So what you now have to do is un-teach them. Just don't ever give anyone a free reading. Then they won't be thinking "I'll give it a try---she said no last time but sometimes she does it anyway." Or "well, she gives me free readings at home, so she might give free readings to my friends, too."

When I realized what the counselor meant, my life changed a lot and it eased my stress level a lot, too. I could accept when it was my own doing---or at least partly---that others did whatever was making me so upset. I didn't think so much less of them that way because I could recognize my own part in it and not totally them just being insensitive or a jerk.

I'd love to do this. The thing that makes me nervous is that my family operates a lot on guilt. To tell one family member no would likely turn that whole half of the family against me.

 

[gregory]

Ha.

I am going through crap of another kind with my mother just now. You don't care about the rest of the family. YOU are what is important to you. Trust me, it's the only way. I now REFUSE to feel guilty - she has brought what happens next upon herself.

And in the end others start to see what is really going on. Then even the teeniest guilt goes way