hunter
I dropped my IDS for the first time. I've changed decks in the past, but I never went more than a few days without a primary deck that I intended to study intensively. I never thought I needed to be exclusive, just intensive, as it wasn't an EDS, just an IDS.
It's not that I don't still have the goal to intensively study the deck that I signed up for my last IDS to study. I just don't want to be accountable to do that. And lately, I keep feeling bad if I am not pretty much exclusive to the deck, which I didn't worry about so much before.
It came to a head last night, when I realized this severe sleep deprivation I'm suffering from, is going to be long term, although not quite as bad as it has been. I have no plans to go back on the drugs that it takes for me to be able to sleep, as I cannot handle the judgmental attitudes that medical professionals have as a gut reaction to seeing what I was on, without knowing WHY. Without asking and checking, they just think they have the right to say anything they want to me and it just sets me over the edge. Major overreaction...but I can't help it. Trauma background links present and past situations together and I just don't process certain present moments entirely in the now :-0
So...anyway...knowing my ability to read is compromised due to loss of problem solving skills and my need to ground and self-soothe is at an all time high, I knew I needed the freedom to do whatever I think I need to do in the moment to do good self-care, and not worry about what someone else is going to think about it.
And I realized even if the whole sleep thing wasn't happening...I was not really entirely setting my own priorities, but kinda drifting over to something close, but not truly my own. I was like, "Wait a minute, what are you doing? and why?"
I'm curious about the story of other IDS dropouts. And what put you over the edge to quit. And how you view that event now with some distance.
It's not that I don't still have the goal to intensively study the deck that I signed up for my last IDS to study. I just don't want to be accountable to do that. And lately, I keep feeling bad if I am not pretty much exclusive to the deck, which I didn't worry about so much before.
It came to a head last night, when I realized this severe sleep deprivation I'm suffering from, is going to be long term, although not quite as bad as it has been. I have no plans to go back on the drugs that it takes for me to be able to sleep, as I cannot handle the judgmental attitudes that medical professionals have as a gut reaction to seeing what I was on, without knowing WHY. Without asking and checking, they just think they have the right to say anything they want to me and it just sets me over the edge. Major overreaction...but I can't help it. Trauma background links present and past situations together and I just don't process certain present moments entirely in the now :-0
So...anyway...knowing my ability to read is compromised due to loss of problem solving skills and my need to ground and self-soothe is at an all time high, I knew I needed the freedom to do whatever I think I need to do in the moment to do good self-care, and not worry about what someone else is going to think about it.
And I realized even if the whole sleep thing wasn't happening...I was not really entirely setting my own priorities, but kinda drifting over to something close, but not truly my own. I was like, "Wait a minute, what are you doing? and why?"
I'm curious about the story of other IDS dropouts. And what put you over the edge to quit. And how you view that event now with some distance.