rwcarter
Good ideas le fey. This weekend, I'll need to read back through the whole thread and see what additional positions have already been suggested and compile them all in one place.
le fey said:In terms of a larger spread, where there is more room to explore the topic, the thought I had at the beginning (but with no room for it limited to 5 cards) is a couple of questions like:
What is A's definition of infidelity?
What is B's definition of infidelity?
Since the question seems to be trying to assess a tendency toward infidelity for the indefinite future, knowing how each person thinks infidelity even is might help establish that?
Sometimes the signs are there but people don't see them until they're pointed out. Just as we can't assume that the other person is cheating, we also can't assume what kind of suspicions the Querent has. And by including those positions we'd even cover those cases where the Querent was asking for a reading on the subject on a whim or because one of their friends put the thought in their mind when they hadn't ever considered it.BeyondtheVeil said:I am not sure if these questions would be helpful. Maybe I am just not understanding what is meant by them.
Physical indicator(s) that my partner is cheating on me
Emotional indicator(s) that my partner is cheating on me
True. I was just assuming they were coming in asking because they already had suspicions. The lady for the reading /spread has those already. She is concerned about the 'signs".rwcarter said:Sometimes the signs are there but people don't see them until they're pointed out. Just as we can't assume that the other person is cheating, we also can't assume what kind of suspicions the Querent has. And by including those positions we'd even cover those cases where the Querent was asking for a reading on the subject on a whim or because one of their friends put the thought in their mind when they hadn't ever considered it.
rwcarter said:And just as you think the person should already know those indicators, wouldn't the person already know their own definition of infidelity? I can understand how they might not know their partner's definition, but they should know their own. {/QUOTE]
I guess I am confused here. Of course, they would know their own definitions of infidelity. They do not know for sure their partner's definition. {i.e. is casual encounters [sex} cheating to them}. I think both partners probably think having a boyfriend/girlfriend outside the marriage is cheating.. but do they both think casual encounters is cheating. {If the cheating person didn't love the person they cheated with and/or it was 'just fun" . They is a mandatory question that needs to be asked. {atleast for this situation}. To clarify.. there is NO doubt on what the asking person's definition of cheating is. They let the partner know ahead of time. I think the partner thinks that also. The question is.. did a casual encounter happen {that the sitter clearly thinks is cheating, but maybe her partner does not}. Sex outside the relationship would be cheating. If one partner didn't think it meant anything, was a one night stand, or just for fun.. then they may not actually think that is cheating at all. They may agree that having another partner besides the spouse is cheating, but not think a casual thing IS cheating.
rwcarter said:So I'd suggest keeping position 2 (and prob making it position 1) and making the other one something along the lines of "How the partner's definition of infidelity matches with the Querent's definition", although I can see how it might be hard to interpret whatever card appeared in that position.
I am assuming that they both have the same definition of cheating. {In the case of why I am asking for the spread they do}. I am just saying that one may not think a casual encounter is cheating. That wouldn't show up because your focus in on what they both think is cheating. They both have the same definition supposedly, so that leaves out the casual encounter.
rwcarter said:Are you suggesting the changes below to the "short version" of the spread or as the beginning of the longer version of the spread?
Rodney
I wasn't even thinking that far ahead. I was just trying to reword the questions that we already have to focus more clearly on what it is that I am wanting to find out. It can be short or long, but they need to be specifically focused like I posted. Though as I think of it.. maybe instead of the definitions of infidelity of each.. what about what does each think/feel about a casual, non love encounter?
Cat* said:Allow me to chime in here somewhat late.
I actually think BeyondtheVeil's last post is getting us somewhere very useful. I was also feeling that some questions were redundant, especially given the desire for a short spread.
Cat* said:First of all, I would leave out any questions about the definitions for cheating. This reading is for the querent, so their definition applies. I'd assume the universe to know that. (If you were trying to find out the conflict potential over what actually "qualifies" as cheating in a given/potential relationship, those questions might be very useful, though. But that's another reading. )
Cat* said:My suggestions (with explanations in brackets):
1. Why does the querent think/feel their partner is cheating on them? (This could cover physical and emotional things from the partner like BeyondtheVeil has listed, but it could also give us a first hint about the querent's insecurity in the case of them worrying over nothing).
2. What is actually happening in terms of cheating or not? (I'd assume a short time frame for this, maybe 2-4 weeks before/after the reading, to give the universe some wiggle room if the partner has just stopped cheating two days before the reading takes place or is about to "do the deed" two days afterwards but looking forward to it already. You know what I mean.)
I just thought of this: Why not split up question 2 into a past/present/future thing? That way, we would cover not only the present moment (see above for why that might be difficult) but we would also cover what may have happened in the past but stopped or what may happen in the future but hasn't begun, yet. As a reader, I'd roughly define the time frames for each position dependent on the querent's situation (i.e. married for 25 years already vs. just stopped dating others three months ago). I also would not be comfortable to read to far into the future, so I would set a limit there, too (BeyondtheVeil has suggested a year).
Therefore:
2 a. What has happened in terms of cheating in the past?
2 b. What is happening in terms of cheating in the present?
2 c. What will likely happen in terms of cheating in the future if the relationship continues the way it is now?
3. What does the querent need to know most about dealing with the situation? (This could point to many different things, depending on the previous cards. It also depends on the querent's own limits. For example, some people are willing and able to let infidelity go if it's over already; others would still feel deeply betrayed and would want to leave/kick out their partner. Others again may get advice about improving the relationship to avoid cheating in the future here.)
In short and in a layout suggestion:
----- 2c -----
1 --- 2b --- 3
----- 2a -----
1. Why does the querent think/feel their partner is cheating on them?
2 a. What has happened in terms of cheating in the past?
2 b. What is happening in terms of cheating in the present?
2 c. What will likely happen in terms of cheating in the future if the relationship continues the way it is now?
3. What does the querent need to know most about dealing with the situation?
This way, you could read across from left to right for the present situation (the querent's worries, the actual situation right now, present advice for the querent) and from bottom to top for the time aspect (past/present/future cheating situation).
Of course, if the reading pointed at a cheating partner very clearly, you could always do a second spread to find out more about dealing with the situation and/or the causes for it. At least that would be my approach (instead of making one huge spread to cover it all at once).
Hope that's helpful, and I also hope I managed to express myself clearly. Please ask for clarification if I haven't.
P.S. I love this collaborative spread-making idea, Rodney! I love tweaking spreads anyway, and doing it in conversation is even better...
rwcarter said:BtV,
One thing we (as a group) should come to an agreement on is the purpose of the spread. I (and I believe others) are trying to create a general spread that covers the topic of infidelity, while you appear to want a spread geared to the specific situation that you're aware of. A well-developed general spread should easily be applicable to a specific situation. But I don't believe that a spread geared towards one specific situation is as easily applied to other situations.
That's why I'm trying not to make any assumptions about is or isn't cheating, the same/similar/different perspectives on cheating, whether or not the Querent is aware of any indicators about cheating, etc. Those things may be known in the specific situation, but I don't think they can be built into any general spread.
Rodney
I believe that a general spread on the topic of casual encounters and what each person thinks of those can be created (although I don't think we've addressed that yet cause our focus has been elsewhere). That's a general spread on a specific sub-topic of infidelity.BeyondtheVeil said:I didn't realize until we were going through this exercise that the focus I wanted and needed in a spread is on casual encounters, what each would think of such , etc.