What did I do & how do I make amends?

[imarya]

I unintentionally offended someone, who not only seems to have read far more into a comment than I intended but who also seems to be over-reacting to the situation. I attempted to reconcile the situation and have concluded that my attempt was not well-received.

I did two 3-card spreads: "what did I do?" and "how do I make amends?" I didn't use positions; the best way to describe it is I thought 'him|action|me' for "what did I do" and 'me|action|him' for "how do I make amends" with the two sets of three cards interacting with each other.

What did I do?
1) Hierophant
2) The Tower
3) The Hermit

The appearance of 3 major arcana indicate that somehow I've stumbled upon something which represents A Very Significant Issue to him.

The root of why he took such umbrage with my comment lies in his need to see himself as one who ordains, sanctions, blesses and instructs others (Hierophant). While my comment sparked a great deal of upheaval (Tower) for him, I am okay with that and do not feel any need for his blessing (Hermit).

How do I fix it?
A) 8/Swords
B) 10/Cups
C) King/Coins

The presence of swords, cups and coins indicates to me that this is about an emotional response (cups) to ideas (swords) which pertain to material/physical existence (coins).

He needs to be in control (King/Coins), and perceives me as something to control (woman in 8/Swords). If I assume a submissive posture (woman in 8/Swords & Hierophant's acolytes) and let him free me from what he perceives as my blindness and wrong ideas (the blindfold and swords in the 8/Swords) with his benevolence (King/Coins and Hierophant) thereby restoring his idyllic world (10/Cups), he'll go back to feeling like all's well and he's in control of his domain (King/Coins).

Be careful, though, and think about whether this is the way I want to go (Hermit).

He doesn't care that the submission is an act (8/Swords) or voluntary (Hierophant's acolytes) or that the paradise is a construct (10/Cups). He won't feel good about the situation until he feels like he has me beneath his foot like the bear the king rests his foot upon (King/Coins).

Taken together, while this is nowhere near as big a deal to me (the cards in "my" row were minor arcana) as it is to him (the cards in "his" row were major arcana), I'm the Hermit to his Hierophant. He views himself as superior (priest in the Hierophant) and me as an upstart (Hermit); a contrast of institutionalized, academic learning to experiential learning and folk wisdom.

It's good that I'm holding this up to the light and looking at my role in the situation before proceeding, because I'd definitely rather be on my own than in bad company (Hermit).

Your thoughts?

Thank you in advance,

imarya

 

[tarot_red]

I think he really took this badly (tower) and retreated from you and the situation (hermit) as he felt it was beyond the boundaries of friendship or the relationship you share (hierophant). So, according to him, you clearly crossed the line.
He (king of pentacles) is quite set in what he thinks about what happened (8 of swords). All you can do right now is be around and make sure you let him know that you are always there and forthcoming (10 of cups). But ultimately you will have to wait for him to come out of his shell.

 

[angelika]

You have needed to think about what you did (Hermit). You are somewhat powerless in this (8S) as he has taken this badly (Tower) as already mentioned. Your action - which was the question - is to be forgiving and understanding (10C) - you can make it better and then he can feel more stable again (KoP). The message of the 10C is to keep open to him. Extend your heart - like the arm in the picture on the card, raised to the cups in the sky.

I am a little unclear with your couplets though - are you asking about what you should do or what you did? ie the second couplet -is your question about what to do? Because you read it as if it about what you have already done. I have read it otherwise.

 

[LeFou]

Hierophant - You breached his elaborate protocol.
Tower - Which surprised and outraged him.
Hermit - Because accidentally, truth was spoken.

8 of Swords - Ignore it completely.
10 of Cups - Because your life, happiness, aspirations, state of mind
King of Coins - Don't depend on his approval, nor his on yours.

 

[Riceball]

I agree with your interpretation of the hierophant - tower - hermit. You did something that reversed the teacher-student dynamic that he wants in the relationship. The overreaction comes from how much importance he places on seeing himself as the wiser one graciously imparting his teachings. Anything that cracks that image for him sends his self-image crashing down and his defense mechanism is to be offended as if you've done something wrong.

But you haven't done anything wrong. You have your own wisdom, you know some things he still needs to learn, and that would naturally keep coming to the surface in this relationship.

So the answer to how to make amends is difficult to interpret. If it's a question of how to help this guy stop being offended then the 8 of swords makes sense. I'd see that as you humbling yourself then becoming reluctant to speak your mind to him to avoid setting him off again and that would make him feel happy like a wise king (10 of cups - king of disks).

But I'm getting the impression that, for your own sake, it may be better to let this guy cope with the tower falling instead of trying to put all those bricks back up on a faulty foundation. He needs to do some soul searching on his own and hopefully rebuild his self image on a more realistic foundation.

 

[Flames]

I think you read so well for yourself. To me, you seem to be in touch with the truth of this situation.
I am no stranger to these cards. I, particularly, like LeFou's take.

You're the "perceived" seeker (Hermit) who rattled (Tower) his chains and shook his foundation (Hierophant) which was a blow to his ego and sense of authority (Tower/Hierophant). I don't think it's your problem that he's offended (Tower/Hierophant), especially if you were respectful in your delivery (Hermit). Accidentally, the truth was spoken, as LeFou said, and he realized you were looking "straight ahead" and not "up"...at him (Hermit/Hierophant). The King of Pentacles says, "There's nothing to fix because there's nothing broken. You don't need to prove anything to anyone. Your values are in tact." Stay true to yourSELF(Hermit/10 of Cups)...YOU (Hermit) ARE in good company! Your lantern is your guiding light...

Just some thoughts. All the best to you, Imarya.

 

[imarya]

I think he really took this badly (tower) and retreated from you and the situation (hermit) as he felt it was beyond the boundaries of friendship or the relationship you share (hierophant). So, according to him, you clearly crossed the line.
He (king of pentacles) is quite set in what he thinks about what happened (8 of swords). All you can do right now is be around and make sure you let him know that you are always there and forthcoming (10 of cups). But ultimately you will have to wait for him to come out of his shell.

Thank you tarot_red for taking time to reply to me and share your interpretation.

Oh, boy, did he ever "take it badly"...and oh boy, did I ever "cross the line" according to him. Spot on, there.

I disagree with him as the Hermit; he hasn't retreated from me or the situation. He came at me very aggressively both publicly and privately for a comment I made, which I made crystal clear was: a) a respectful disagreement and b) any course of action I "suggested" was what my own course of action would be in a specific situation. His behavior thus far indicates that as long as I'm willing to keep it going, he's willing to meet me tit for tat. I'm the one who's done with it (a la "Don't waste your time with explanations; people only hear what they want to hear" -Paulo Coelho).

He is very set in what he thinks happened, and will not accept any explanation other than the one he's concocted. Spot on there, as well.

I partially disagree with your interpretation of the 10/cups and Hierophant. I won't "always be around" for him; this is at best a distant acquaintanceship.

I think you got it right that I will "always be around" in the sense that:
a) while I was quite shocked by the strength and manner of his response to the situation, and by the strength of his need to see himself in one light and cast me in another, my fundamental opinion of him currently remains unchanged, and
b) I am not going to quit the group because of his overly-aggressive behavior, nor his choice to misunderstand me simply for the sake of having a point of contention with me, nor his refusal to be corrected regarding his misunderstanding.

I also disagree that there's a shell for him to come out of, as he "drew first blood" so to speak. If he "pulls his head out [of his anal orifice]", that's fine. If he doesn't, that's fine too.

Although I disagree on a couple of points, you have given me something to think about!

Thank you again,
imarya

 

[imarya]

You have needed to think about what you did (Hermit). You are somewhat powerless in this (8S) as he has taken this badly (Tower) as already mentioned. Your action - which was the question - is to be forgiving and understanding (10C) - you can make it better and then he can feel more stable again (KoP). The message of the 10C is to keep open to him. Extend your heart - like the arm in the picture on the card, raised to the cups in the sky.

I am a little unclear with your couplets though - are you asking about what you should do or what you did? ie the second couplet -is your question about what to do? Because you read it as if it about what you have already done. I have read it otherwise.

Thank you angelika for taking the time and extending the effort to reply.

I did need to think about what I did. While I am really a very nice person--truly, I *am*!--I do know from experience that I sometimes have an uncanny ability to put my foot in my mouth.

He has taken this badly indeed. I have also had to accept that I'm powerless to change it, despite having tried to find and address the source of the misunderstanding (which he has thus far refused to disclose to me).

I do need to be gracious and keep an open heart, as I feel this behavior is uncharacteristic of him. I was shocked by the strength of the Hierophant/Tower/Hermit combination and the appearance of 8/Swords and King/Coins.

I find it interesting that you picked up on the blending of my feelings in the second couplet, because I *had* tried to "smooth the waters" and was open to further examining my conscience and taking further steps to make amends if doing so were warranted.

Thank you again,
imarya

 

[imarya]

Hierophant - You breached his elaborate protocol.
Tower - Which surprised and outraged him.
Hermit - Because accidentally, truth was spoken.

8 of Swords - Ignore it completely.
10 of Cups - Because your life, happiness, aspirations, state of mind
King of Coins - Don't depend on his approval, nor his on yours.

LeFou, thank you too for taking the time to reply.

How succinct your interpretation is, and how accurate--I love it!

I especially like your interpretation of 8/Swords, 10/Cups and King/Coins -- "ignore it completely, because my life, happiness, aspirations, state of mind, etc. don't depend on his approval". I have needed that advice upon so many other occasions...where have you been all my life?

re: 10/Cups and King/Coins: I don't need his approval, yet would prefer to not make an enemy where I could just as easily have a friend. I do feel that he needs me to adhere to his elaborate protocols...not because it's important that I as a specific individual should highly esteem him, but because in his mind everyone he perceives as lesser is supposed to revere him.

I really like the style of your post; how do you keep it so focused? I get bombarded with info during readings and have a tough time sorting everything out.

Thank you again,
imarya

 

[imarya]

I agree with your interpretation of the hierophant - tower - hermit. You did something that reversed the teacher-student dynamic that he wants in the relationship. The overreaction comes from how much importance he places on seeing himself as the wiser one graciously imparting his teachings. Anything that cracks that image for him sends his self-image crashing down and his defense mechanism is to be offended as if you've done something wrong.

But you haven't done anything wrong. You have your own wisdom, you know some things he still needs to learn, and that would naturally keep coming to the surface in this relationship.

So the answer to how to make amends is difficult to interpret. If it's a question of how to help this guy stop being offended then the 8 of swords makes sense. I'd see that as you humbling yourself then becoming reluctant to speak your mind to him to avoid setting him off again and that would make him feel happy like a wise king (10 of cups - king of disks).

But I'm getting the impression that, for your own sake, it may be better to let this guy cope with the tower falling instead of trying to put all those bricks back up on a faulty foundation. He needs to do some soul searching on his own and hopefully rebuild his self image on a more realistic foundation.

Hi Riceball, thank you for sharing your insight with me. You (and everyone else who replied) gave me the gift of a little bit of your time today, and I appreciate that.

Your interpretation is as comfortable to me as my favorite sweater. You clarified so well the melange of info I picked up regarding how to help him stop being offended and it may be better to let him "stew in his own juice" so to speak.

I did humble myself to the point of explaining that I was responding to something he'd overlooked (then summarily dismissed when I pointed it out to him) and apologized for having come across more strongly than I'd intended. If he expects anything more than that, he'll have a long wait.

Thank you again,
imarya