Am I going to miscarry this pregnancy?

[MDredhead]

Long story short, we had a failed adoption which took a year and a half and cost tens of thousands of dollars we will never see again. The agency we were using defrauded us and many other families and is under a federal investigation currently.

The day we found out it was not going forward we also found out I was pregnant. Miracle, right? As I am over 35 with a history of ectopic pregnancy (and one fallopian tube as a result) this seemed like a blessing. But on Friday I had a sonogram and the embryo is not measuring as it should be. The doc was sort of nonchalant (not my usual doctor) saying "you will likely miscarry" and ordered blood tests. So now we face a torturous weekend of waiting to see what my hormone levels are and what is happening because the tests don't come back until Monday.

I really don't know what to think. I have been living in a stew of anxiety for what seems like forever now. I have totally lost touch with my intuition about if this is really going to happen-- I kinda feel like it won't, just another blow in a long series of crap. I feel like a failure. My partner's family is pressuring us to have a child and he told the news wayyy too early so now there is that humiliation to deal with. I don't have much hope. I did have a dream that I was pregnant three nights in a row before I took the test, and another dream it was a boy. But I have not had any dreams about it since.

So I drew three cards, asking "what will happen with this pregnancy?" RWS. Reading reversals. Past, present, future

Death rev-- stagnation, resisting change, not being ready for major life changes. This confuses me. I was totally ready for the adoption though this pregnancy took me by surprise I welcomed it and started taking vitamins, altering diet, no drinking, immediately. This might indicate that I will miscarry as the change could be blocked or delayed and therefore Death is riding backwards.

9Srev-- too much worry. Stress. Anxiety. Overthinking. Yes. I got that. I have had this card a lot lately, upright or reversed as I have been through a lot of nightmare situations. This does indicate sort of mental torture and I am probably putting myself through that.

High Priestess rev-- not listening to intuition or being cut off. Not being able to hear the deep intuitive message. Need for quiet and "nothingness" to reconnect. Yeah, I can't hear the message. Actually I think I DO hear the message, which is yes, I am going to miscarry, and its a message I don't want to hear. But perhaps that will help me to prepare myself.

Any thoughts are appreciated. This is a very painful time.

 

[lighthousekeeper]

Death reversed: problem is not as big as you think it is. NOT-death.

9 swords reversed: You are really worried and for good reason, but try and keep things in perspective, and stop beating yourself up!

HP reversed: You shouldn't trust the first opinion you have been given, you might even need to find another healthcare practitioner. You have cut off from your intuition about this but you can still tap into it, just try another method like a big walk, meditation...

Personally I think it's extremely irresponsible of a doctor to say that to you. MANY women have a small-measuring embryo which then has a growth spurt and catches up... but keep in mind that stress is not really healthy for a pregnancy, so you're gonna have to get all of this panic out somehow, I would recommend writing about how you're feeling (HP is a writer) until you literally can't write any more, maybe for an hour or so, and EFT (9oS looks like a person tapping)

I understand what you can be going through, I lost several pregnancies in a row and it feels like a nightmare you can't escape from.. but I think you have a good chance. Maybe don't go to that insensitive doctor again..!

 

[Eadwine]

Definitely not experienced enough to give you a true opinion, however reversed cards don't have to be contrary to upright. I have learned that it can be the same as upright, just waxing or waning so to speak. So... maybe trying to see the reading in that light makes it looks less.. doomy?

As for that bleep doctor.. do get the second opinion. Some doctors think they have the right to just blurt things out and upset you.

 

[MDredhead]

Death reversed: problem is not as big as you think it is. NOT-death.

9 swords reversed: You are really worried and for good reason, but try and keep things in perspective, and stop beating yourself up!

HP reversed: You shouldn't trust the first opinion you have been given, you might even need to find another healthcare practitioner. You have cut off from your intuition about this but you can still tap into it, just try another method like a big walk, meditation...

Personally I think it's extremely irresponsible of a doctor to say that to you. MANY women have a small-measuring embryo which then has a growth spurt and catches up... but keep in mind that stress is not really healthy for a pregnancy, so you're gonna have to get all of this panic out somehow, I would recommend writing about how you're feeling (HP is a writer) until you literally can't write any more, maybe for an hour or so, and EFT (9oS looks like a person tapping)

I understand what you can be going through, I lost several pregnancies in a row and it feels like a nightmare you can't escape from.. but I think you have a good chance. Maybe don't go to that insensitive doctor again..!

Thank you! This doctor breezed in and had no idea how to properly operate the sono machine saying "I am not good with these computer things" so she couldn't even compare it to my last scan from a week ago. She had me pull it up on my phone because I had a pic. The only good thing she did was get my bloodwork done which won't lie. I was thinking of getting a second opinion and she did a referral to a sonogram specialist at the hospital if my blood work looks normal. We moved from a major city to a smaller town to facilitate the adoption, and I have been a little leery of the type of care that is available as I am so used to having world class facilities. I WAS thinking I would get a second opinion, but I thought maybe I was overthinking and being a bit snobby.

I forgot that HP was a writer. I love to write. That is a good idea. I will have to put some time aside for that this weekend.

Interesting take on the Death card. I had not thought about it that way.

 

[MDredhead]

Definitely not experienced enough to give you a true opinion, however reversed cards don't have to be contrary to upright. I have learned that it can be the same as upright, just waxing or waning so to speak. So... maybe trying to see the reading in that light makes it looks less.. doomy?

As for that bleep doctor.. do get the second opinion. Some doctors think they have the right to just blurt things out and upset you.

Thank you. As I say, she was not my regular doctor but another person at the practice. This practice is the "only game in town" where I live with a TON of ObGYNs. I have thought before now that they are expecting me to miscarry from day 1 due to my history and age. I probably need to go further afield for better care.

 

[headincloud]

Death rx, 9S, HP rx

I'm not going to try and predict whether you'll miscarry, not because I see bad news but it's in the hands of professionals and what will be will. What I am concerned about is your emotional and mental state under these cards as the 9S is the nightmare card and on top of that the HP rx brings extreme stress, crying spells, someone who is highly distraught or emotionally out of control etc and the joint weight of these cards on your shoulders are worrying to say the least. Lean on others don't try dealing with this alone it's too much for anyone.

A failure? bless you anyone would be on their knees having been through what you've endured.

Don't know if I'm allowed to write this here but when I was trying to read one of your other spreads I pulled an outcome card asking will you have a child and got the sun and a clear thumbs up. This is destined to be so some way or another you will eventually have your wish and this suffering won't have been in vain. That's all I can say.

I'll pray for you, Godbless x

 

[MDredhead]

Death rx, 9S, HP rx

I'm not going to try and predict whether you'll miscarry, not because I see bad news but it's in the hands of professionals and what will be will. What I am concerned about is your emotional and mental state under these cards as the 9S is the nightmare card and on top of that the HP rx brings extreme stress, crying spells, someone who is highly distraught or emotionally out of control etc and the joint weight of these cards on your shoulders are worrying to say the least. Lean on others don't try dealing with this alone it's too much for anyone.

A failure? bless you anyone would be on their knees having been through what you've endured.

Don't know if I'm allowed to write this here but when I was trying to read one of your other spreads I pulled an outcome card asking will you have a child and got the sun and a clear thumbs up. This is destined to be so some way or another you will eventually have your wish and this suffering won't have been in vain. That's all I can say.

I'll pray for you, Godbless x

Yes, I am probably headed for a breakdown. Every week with the adoption it was on and then off, happening and then not. I was stranded in the country over Christmas with the child when the agency was debarred by myself: my partner did not have enough time to take off work for the 3 week bonding period. I had to fly back and forth monthly for court dates 6 times and those overseas flights are long and stressful. I used up a lot in the way of resources financially and time off from work. We created a connection with a child we will probably never see again. And we totally uprooted our lives, moved to be in a better environment for a kid and sold a property. It was indeed quite stressful.

This pregnancy is more of the same-- one week its "on" and the next "off"-- I worry about every symptom or lack of symptoms. I live in a town where the women get pregnant out of high school or in their early 20s so pushing 40 with a history of issues makes the docs seemingly unwilling to spend a lot of energy on you: you are not the norm and they figure you will not be successful.

Luckily I have a therapist. I do feel lost and burdened. My partner is supportive, but I feel like I am failing him too.

Thanks for the positive card. I probably need a month at a seaside spa right now to calm down.

 

[Nemia]

Death rev, 9S rev, HP rev

The reading reflects your emotional state. You haven't yet come to terms with the loss of your adoption plan (Death rev), it hits you now and will take time to get over. The 9 Swords is your fear and nightmare now, and the HP rev tells you that you can't read the cards right now. Your feelings are too intense and mute your intuition.

Concerning the 9 Swords. These are a lot of swords right now and you should cut out those that are superfluous. There is no humiliation involved in miscarriage or fertility problems or anything else you went through, and if anyone makes you feel that way, he/she's a sword above your head and NOT useful right now.

Many, many women have had difficult pregnancies and yet had healthy babies in the end. It's idiotic to say relax but there's nothing else you can do but wait and stop thinking in circles.

I'd say, take these three cards and do a permutation - turn them around. (If you wish to).

Then the 9 Swords is weakened and neutralized - you reject the negative thoughts and take away their power.

Death is upright and tells you to acknowledge the pains you have been through, the things missing in your life, and to take pride in your strength after going through that adoption fraud and other problems.

And the High Priestess upright tells you that you're perfect the way you are, your body is fine the way it is, you're a woman with the inner strength nobody can measure, and though the future is hidden, you can wait knowing that you keep the secret of life within you.

I've been through my own very very difficult stories with pregnancy and childbirth, and believe me, I can understand at least a part of what you go through right now. I'll hold you and your partner and unborn child in my mind and pray that the stupid blabbermouth of a doctor simply made a mistake and upset you for no reason. And I've seen that happen quite often.

Blessings to you. May the High priestss continue to give you strength.

ETA: Ah sorry, didn't see your 9 Swords were reversed, too. That's better. So leave the card as it is. It means you have inner reserves to deal with adversity, you must be a very strong person.

ETA another one: I also pulled a card for you. Distant Past Tarot - 6 of Cups. YES you will have children and heal.

 

[MDredhead]

Death rev, 9S rev, HP rev

The reading reflects your emotional state. You haven't yet come to terms with the loss of your adoption plan (Death rev), it hits you now and will take time to get over. The 9 Swords is your fear and nightmare now, and the HP rev tells you that you can't read the cards right now. Your feelings are too intense and mute your intuition.

Concerning the 9 Swords. These are a lot of swords right now and you should cut out those that are superfluous. There is no humiliation involved in miscarriage or fertility problems or anything else you went through, and if anyone makes you feel that way, he/she's a sword above your head and NOT useful right now.

Many, many women have had difficult pregnancies and yet had healthy babies in the end. It's idiotic to say relax but there's nothing else you can do but wait and stop thinking in circles.

I'd say, take these three cards and do a permutation - turn them around. (If you wish to).

Then the 9 Swords is weakened and neutralized - you reject the negative thoughts and take away their power.

Death is upright and tells you to acknowledge the pains you have been through, the things missing in your life, and to take pride in your strength after going through that adoption fraud and other problems.

And the High Priestess upright tells you that you're perfect the way you are, your body is fine the way it is, you're a woman with the inner strength nobody can measure, and though the future is hidden, you can wait knowing that you keep the secret of life within you.

I've been through my own very very difficult stories with pregnancy and childbirth, and believe me, I can understand at least a part of what you go through right now. I'll hold you and your partner and unborn child in my mind and pray that the stupid blabbermouth of a doctor simply made a mistake and upset you for no reason. And I've seen that happen quite often.

Blessings to you. May the High priestss continue to give you strength.

ETA: Ah sorry, didn't see your 9 Swords were reversed, too. That's better. So leave the card as it is. It means you have inner reserves to deal with adversity, you must be a very strong person.

ETA another one: I also pulled a card for you. Distant Past Tarot - 6 of Cups. YES you will have children and heal.

Thank you. Yes, I get the Death card fairly often being a strong Scorpio its one of my "native" cards. I don't see it as negative necessarily as it usually ushers in growth. I just feel like the healing from one terrible situation (the adoption ending) is sort of being delayed by another situation full of uncertainty. I am not good at waiting, yet I know this is what I need to do.

I have too much of an emotional response to this situation and need to get down to the nitty gritty of my intuition. I am having trouble accessing that as I am somewhat emotionally hijacked right now.

 

[Saskia]

so pushing 40 with a history of issues makes the docs seemingly unwilling to spend a lot of energy on you: you are not the norm and they figure you will not be successful.

Luckily I have a therapist. I do feel lost and burdened. My partner is supportive, but I feel like I am failing him too.

Dear MD, I know this is probably close to impossible but please try to stop being so anxious. The best way to try and help your situation is to try to stay calm, non-stressed.

Cards: Death Rx, 9S Rx, HP Rx.

I agree that it looks like a crisis averted, death that will not be death. But, you need to do what you can to pull out of that circle of torturing thoughts and nightmarish anxiety (9S). Like you said, your intuition is muddied (HP Rx) due to the anxiety. Doctors are not gods and don't know everything, in particular those who just breeze in without knowing you of even the machinery properly.

Maybe pull another thread to see what you can do to calm down and nurture yourself?

All the mothers I know (appr. 8 people) had their first baby around or beyond 35, my youngest brother was born when my mum was 35+, and a colleague of mine had her second baby at 40+. It is by far NOT uncommon these days, you're not a freak, a failure or anything of that sort with your age. The history of course is what it is, but don't add to the burden with thinking about your age. And YOU are not failing your partner - it's the conman agency that failed you both. Don't internalise that fault!

I'm not a religious type but sending you all the best thoughts and wishes.