Ethical to do readings to examine reasons why somebody committed suicide?

[Embla]

A friend´s father recently committed suicide, and everybody is in shock, for understandable reasons. Nobody really understands why, and it certainly was not expected. My friend has asked me to do a reading for her to clarify her father´s motives. Something in me is telling me not to do it, as if it is too big of a responsibility to take on a reading like that. I have suggested we do a reading to focus on her and how she is dealing with it, but she is of course desperate to find answers. I have always had a private guideline not to do readings to find out how other people think and feel, if it doesn´t concern the querent directly. Just like I would not read other people´s diaries, or letters. Has anybody here ever been in a similar situation? Would it be ethical do to a reading to examine the reasons behind a suicide? Grateful for any input I can get. Thanks.

 

[Grizabella]

I don't see it as being unethical. But I don't think it would be especially productive. A person's reasons for committing suicide are basically that they can't see any way they can go on living. My husband committed suicide with a drug OD and in his case, he just couldn't see his life ever being different---no way out of the deep, dark hole he felt his life had become. And that's what most suicidal people see, I'm sure.

What I did for myself was ask the cards "What would my husband say to me if he could speak to me now?" The answer was astonishing and wonderful. You might suggest a reading for her asking that sort of question.

 

[Embla]

Lyric, first of all my condoleances on your and your husband´s loss of his life. I can imagine how much that has taught you about life. Second, thank you so much for sharing your perspective on this. I cannot tell you how much I respect and value your opinion having gone through a similar experience. Your advice and focus of the reading is great and very sound.

 

[Grizabella]

Thank you, embla. I'm glad if my experience can be of any help and insight.

 

[jmd]

Though I do not see, in the more general description of the situation, anything unethical about doing a reading to gain insight into the possible influences that have lead to someone committing suicide, there is something else in the description of embla's opening post that is central as to whether or not to undertake the reading - namely: "Something in me is telling me not to do it".

Under that condition, I personally would not.

Perhaps, however, I would instead suggest that the person has a reading with someone else, taking whatever is said with a healthy dose of caution (something that can be difficult when in a state of shock!).

Perhaps what is more called for from embla in this context is the very important need of being friend to the friend in question, rather than crossing the line to professional (reader/counsellor/ or whatever).

 

[WalesWoman]

I understand where your friend is coming from... if I could have, I would have gone to a medium and tried to contact my father after he committed suicide. But I didn't know anyone who was for real and eventually gave up on the idea.

It's the not knowing why that is so hard to accept and I spent years reading about suicides, mid-life crisis, anything and everything in order to understand the whys and how to deal with survivor guilt and all that stuff that goes along with it.

Eventually I was able to see that due to his mental health, a complilation of situations and God knows what else, he came to the end of his abiltiy to cope and had no hope... but part of me feels it was still a brutal form of punishing those he was most disappointed in.

The trouble is, even if you do a reading about it, your friend will always have unanswered questions and needs grief/survivor of suicide counselling. I am serious, 26 years ago there was still a big taboo about admitting you needed help or being labeled if you got counselling. No one even considered it and it might have prevented my brothers drug and alcohol addiction and wasted life and I'm sure would have helped me a lot too.

It's made Christmas's ever since a bitch to get through without falling into a depression... but it's getting better. I just looked at the calendar and realized I made it through this year and missed the "anniversary" without realizing it had gone by or going into the funk, even tho' he's been on my mind somewhat. The power of it has gone.

 

[Little Hare]

A friend´s father recently committed suicide, and everybody is in shock, for understandable reasons. Nobody really understands why, and it certainly was not expected. My friend has asked me to do a reading for her to clarify her father´s motives. Something in me is telling me not to do it, as if it is too big of a responsibility to take on a reading like that. I have suggested we do a reading to focus on her and how she is dealing with it, but she is of course desperate to find answers. I have always had a private guideline not to do readings to find out how other people think and feel, if it doesn´t concern the querent directly. Just like I would not read other people´s diaries, or letters. Has anybody here ever been in a similar situation? Would it be ethical do to a reading to examine the reasons behind a suicide? Grateful for any input I can get. Thanks.

Hi Embla,

first of all i want to offer my condolences to you, your friend and her family. I'm a social work student so my perspective may be different from others on this board. My personal opinion (and it is just that) is that doing a reading for someone of this nature is not going to accomplish much. (also i feel that it is not ethical to do a reading to examine the nature of a person's sucide, this is how i feel in my life at the moment, this may change as i grow idon't know) I have my own reasons for this, but don't feel comfortable stating them on the board at this time.

I think you have already answered your own question, by saying that something is telling you not to do it. It would be wise to gently explain to your friend the reasons why you do not want to do a reading, but then state you are there for her as a friend to listen.

 

[Embla]

Oh I feel humbled and grateful for the amazing response I have gotten from everybody that has posted. I am always amazed at how intuitive and sharp people on this forum are, cutting to the core of the issue straight away.

jmd, thank you for pointing out the difference between a type of reading being ethical or not, and the importance of listening to your intuition and gut feeling. You are so right, I just needed somebody to tell me that. And thank you for also taking that advice one step further and examining the possibility of me perhaps needing to be more of a friend to my friend in this situation, than some sort of professional outside counsellor. I don´t think being a counsellor to my friend is right right now. I want to be her friend and her companion and walk every step of the way by her side, but I cannot be as neutral and collected as an outsider would be.

WalesWoman, thank you for sharing your personal experiences also, like Lyric. My condolences on your painful loss. You and Lyric have already walked this path that my friend has ahead of her now, and for that I want to express my deepest respect to you. It is true that suicide can be a brutal form of punishment, and I guess that is what makes such losses especially difficult to bear. You are left with questions that will never find absolute answers, and any vague answers you can find only give birth to new questions it seems. Thank you for pointing out that my friend needs professional counselling at this stage. I feel strengthened by hearing about your experience and I want to thank your father and Lyric´s husband also, for indirectly helping me and my friend in our process in time.

peace_pixie, thank you for adding your professional perspective to this question. You reinforce that my role in this should be that of a friend, not a medium, tarot-reader or counsellor, and that I should listen to my intuition.

Thank you to all of you for helping me be a better friend to my friend.

 

[Little Hare]

i'd like to say thank you embla, if only there were more friends out there like YOU . Alot of people for whatever reasons they have tend to leave there friends, at times when they need them the most.

You should be really proud of yourself for being such a wonderful friend

 

[AJ]

Perspective from the viewpoint of someone who has asked for just this reading.

The very first reading offer I signed up for here was by Niti. It was also my very first reading period. I asked if she could see any reasons why my friend Clara committed suicide.
This happened 5 or 6 years ago, and to this day no one who knew her has any inkling what drove her to it...in this case hindsight wasn't 20-20.

I don't remember now what Niti said (bless her for taking on the task) but I know that with her reading I have been able to 'let it go'. I am no longer haunted, it doesn't pop into my mind at odd times, and Clara is what I remember now, not her death.

I agree with some of the above, if you don't feel right about a reading or how it is phrased, don't do it. But there are always two sides (or more) to an issue. And this is one issue where I might agree to read a 3rd party. I never would of a living person.