Kurenai
Such a shame! You seem to be saying that you are somehow inadequate or not worthy of a spiritual support system, when quite the opposite is true.
May I ask if your third eye is open?
Your third eye directly connects you with the spirit realm. Even if your third eye is not engaged you should be able to pick up subtle nuances in nature. Synchronicity that are discussed here often.
How would one know if their third eye is open?