emotional cost

[BrightEye]

Some time ago I dreamt I was in a cafe with a man I know somewhere near where we work. There was another woman with us and a group of people, who left without paying their bill. I said I’d look after it.

I held his hand as we talked. He didn’t withdraw it but was welcoming my touch. I kept chatting away about this and that. He said something, but I couldn’t hear him. I carried on with my chit chat until he interrupted me and said ‘I’m not causing any jealousy, am I?’ I said ‘Why are you asking me that?’ I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t lie. I looked away and nodded. ‘Yes, you are’, I said, ‘very much so’.

I asked for the bill, which turned out to be enormous. He was putting several notes on the table, but I protested to the waitress. We had only had a coffee each. I said to the waitress that I wasn’t prepared to pay the whole bill, but I ended up paying a good bit of it. I felt it was my duty and even made a joke about it. The woman who had been with us paid for her coffee and left.

We walked back to work. I said, ‘Do we need to talk about this?’ and I was pointing from me to him, suggesting that we needed to talk about the feelings between us. He said ‘Yes, we do’. ‘When?’ He said ‘Very soon.’ Then he was gone.

I've had a number of dreams involving the cost of things and I think this one is telling me it has to do with an emotional cost that I feel is too high. It almost seems that my happiness comes at a price that I'm not willing to pay. It's interesting though that he puts money on the table for the bill I said I would pay. Any thoughts on that? And who is the woman who is with us but never says anything?

 

[cricket]

I'm really, REALLY not good at this, but it may be a reminder of certain things. That you're not the only person involved in whatever this is. That there are people you don't even know, have never spoken to, and have likely never even seen, that are involved as well. It's also a reminder that you're not the only one who has a price to pay. He does, too. The rest? Not so much I can see there, except that maybe you should go ahead and pay that emotional price, and find your happiness. Sometimes it feels like a high price at the time of payment, but ends up better in the end.

 

[BrightEye]

Very interesting, cricket. You are right, who is to say that I'm the only one for whom happiness comes at a price? It could be that for him the stakes are even higher. And there are other people involved that I have never met.

I'm really, REALLY not good at this, but it may be a reminder of certain things. That you're not the only person involved in whatever this is. That there are people you don't even know, have never spoken to, and have likely never even seen, that are involved as well. It's also a reminder that you're not the only one who has a price to pay. He does, too. The rest? Not so much I can see there, except that maybe you should go ahead and pay that emotional price, and find your happiness. Sometimes it feels like a high price at the time of payment, but ends up better in the end.

 

[Vesper]

I'm getting the feeling this dream is about feelings of unworthiness.

The other people leaving (and leaving you to foot their bill), your feeling obliged to pay it, the man speaking but you not hearing because you're talking, the jealousy, all seem to be ways your dream self is telling you that you don't feel quite deserving of the loving man or the group companionship.

The woman who just pays for her own coffee is you, too. She is the one who is responsible for herself (she pays for her coffee) without feeling obligated to take care of others (she does not pay for them). The woman is your way of saying to yourself that you are inherently worthy. No discussions or financial obligations are necessary.

I think the man paying some but not all involves a small desire to be taken care of, but your subconcious mind rejects it, in that you pay most of the bill, and even make a joke about it, to show your strength. It seems like a good dream to me. As you have had other dreams in the same theme, it would be interesting to see how they evolve, as you spend time reflecting on them.

 

[BrightEye]

It's interesting that you see the woman as myself as I could be. What also struck a chord is my feeling obliged to take care of others (which I do in real life and which is holding me back in a way) and the desire to be taken care of. I would love to be taken care of by this man. Under the surface I'm a terribly needy person, but on the outside I always seem strong.

 

[Haizea]

A totally different interpretation:

You confess your jealousy feelings and nothing bad happened (the woman left and he shares the paying). The part about the money I understood it as there being doubts about the reasons to be together (economical reasons?), so your paying and his paying clears that out. And the most important part is the final part: "We need to talk about this".

So there could be some mistrust in the relation from both of you for different reasons, and it could need some talk.


I hardly ever remember my dreams, so I have no clue...but that's the story I read from your dream and wanted to share it with you.

 

[Amanda]

Some time ago I dreamt I was in a cafe with a man I know somewhere near where we work. There was another woman with us and a group of people, who left without paying their bill. I said I’d look after it.

The cafe near your work perhaps represents your social life outside of work. You want to appear generous and hospitable by taking care of the others' bill.

I held his hand as we talked. He didn’t withdraw it but was welcoming my touch. I kept chatting away about this and that. He said something, but I couldn’t hear him. I carried on with my chit chat until he interrupted me and said ‘I’m not causing any jealousy, am I?’ I said ‘Why are you asking me that?’ I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t lie. I looked away and nodded. ‘Yes, you are’, I said, ‘very much so’.

The handholding represents your love/affection for him, and since you noticed him welcoming your touch, perhaps also your anxieties at "losing touch". Him asking if he's causing you jealousy, I think has to do with his behaviors causing a knock to your self-confidence.

I asked for the bill, which turned out to be enormous. He was putting several notes on the table, but I protested to the waitress. We had only had a coffee each. I said to the waitress that I wasn’t prepared to pay the whole bill, but I ended up paying a good bit of it. I felt it was my duty and even made a joke about it. The woman who had been with us paid for her coffee and left.

Having coffee with him would represent that you have feelings for him- and the bill represents how "enormously" it's costing you. You protest to the waitress who represents a need for you to be catered to, or in other words treated more "special". But you laugh it off, and notice the other woman pay for her coffee and leave- easy. So your sense of vulnerability allows you to get by without paying the whole bill (basically you telling yourself, no you're not going to sacrifice all your needs), then your sense of strength makes you feel guilty by walking away after paying her own bill.

We walked back to work. I said, ‘Do we need to talk about this?’ and I was pointing from me to him, suggesting that we needed to talk about the feelings between us. He said ‘Yes, we do’. ‘When?’ He said ‘Very soon.’ Then he was gone.

I would say that you need to talk about the lack you are feeling.

Just some extra thoughts for you, hope that helps.

 

[BrightEye]

I would say that you need to talk about the lack you are feeling.

Well, I have abandonment issues and I've talked about this to a professional... if that's what you mean by talking about my lack.

 

[Amanda]

Well, I have abandonment issues and I've talked about this to a professional... if that's what you mean by talking about my lack.

Well, that could tie in to it, but I was thinking more about talking about the lack of special treatment you want and aren't getting... essentially, Milfoil told me once that the people in the dream are aspects of yourself. You protested to the waitress- so if you think about it like, protesting to yourself, then you are denying yourself the right to be loved and to be treated "special". But notice, the waitress cut you a break so you didn't have to pay the full bill even though you felt it was your "duty"... like you feel your duty is to be strong, and side-step those feelings of need.

 

[BrightEye]

Yes. In therapy we talked about how I tend to identify my duties rather than express my needs. I have become better at identifying my needs and going after them, but as the dream suggests it still seems to be associated with a high price in my mind.