Spread about sexual orientation

[nisaba]

Well yes, but I think her concern is his happiness. She can tell he isn't happy,

If she is one of those people to whom mother-love is smother-love, that might be why.

and she has seen some signs that might indicate he is gay.

A love of art, grooming, The Voice, even hanging around with men isn't an indicator of anything. I know perfectly straight men whom people would swear are gay because of stereotypical views.

It's not about "blame" or "prying into his life" for her. She wants him to be happy,

I didn't say it was, and I'm certain she does. But a mother who clucks over her kid and tries to be protective of them when they are an adult *is* going to get a negative reaction from them. Perhaps away from her prying eyes, when he feels free, he is entirely cheerful.

and if it were the case he was gay, she wants to start that conversation with him because it seems to her that he won't.

That is his own business. Do I have to open a conversation with my own mother about the fact that I have different-coloured eyes to hers? Or a different gender-preference? Come to that, has *she* ever sat him down and explained gently to him that she's straight but that she loves him anyway? No? So why should he?

He has definitely had periods of withdrawal and depression.

In her company, and according to her? Or universally, and according to people who know him in all different areas of his life?

He is like a Hermit sometimes to her which isn't normal because they are so close. I think this lady's question is a valid one given the circumstances.

Perhaps SHE thinks they are so close, and he wants her to let him grow up and live his own life, which is why he's withdrawing from her.

Parents are meant to look after their children's emotional needs during childhood. Children are NOT meant to look after their parent's emotional needs in adulthood.

 

[Yelell]

If she is one of those people to whom mother-love is smother-love, that might be why.


A love of art, grooming, The Voice, even hanging around with men isn't an indicator of anything. I know perfectly straight men whom people would swear are gay because of stereotypical views.


I didn't say it was, and I'm certain she does. But a mother who clucks over her kid and tries to be protective of them when they are an adult *is* going to get a negative reaction from them. Perhaps away from her prying eyes, when he feels free, he is entirely cheerful.


That is his own business. Do I have to open a conversation with my own mother about the fact that I have different-coloured eyes to hers? Or a different gender-preference? Come to that, has *she* ever sat him down and explained gently to him that she's straight but that she loves him anyway? No? So why should he?


In her company, and according to her? Or universally, and according to people who know him in all different areas of his life?



Perhaps SHE thinks they are so close, and he wants her to let him grow up and live his own life, which is why he's withdrawing from her.

Parents are meant to look after their children's emotional needs during childhood. Children are NOT meant to look after their parent's emotional needs in adulthood.

Maybe she is the overbearing type of parent and maybe she is not, I don't know. This reply does make me think of a situation from my own family. A young man went away to college and became distant. He then committed suicide saying it was because he was gay, rejected by the people he was around and afraid to say anything and risk being rejected by his family. His family wouldn't have given a damn. I don't tend to think this is a situation that really calls for tarot cards. I'm also not so quick to assume the mother is necessarily the problem. Maybe she's right to be concerned about his emotional state, maybe she's not, maybe he's gay, maybe he's not. I do hope that no matter what, she is able to communicate that she cares about him and is willing to listen if he has anything he needs to talk about.

 

[TinaV]

This has been an interesting discussion. I am glad I did not get too many negative reactions towards myself.

The mother reached out to me in hopes of getting a reading which could tell her whether her son is gay or not. I chose to do a reading without her present and I am not going to tell her the outcome. You have all seen the thread in "my readings" where I posted the reading. To most people on here, it suggests that he might indeed be gay - I agree with this interpretation because that is how I saw it too.

Whether or not the mother is overbearing, intrusive or smothering is her business, and I am not going to formulate my judgement of her as a person. This is usually the reaction that most people have when an issue like this arises; a mother thinks her son is gay so she must be intrusive or trying to find excuses as to why he is single, a failure, depressed, fill in the gap...

However, I believe that whenever someone reaches out to tarot cards, there must be an issue in their life they are worried about. Does that mean she is overbearing? Not necessarily.

 

[LeFou]

However, I believe that whenever someone reaches out to tarot cards, there must be an issue in their life they are worried about.

Personally, though, I think the issue would be the querent's worries and fears. But setting that aside, "gay or not" is binary -- what if he identifies as trans, bi or asexual? Are those a yes or no?

Of course, the cards can provide insight and consolation even with a defective question. (However, I don't see how we can pull the cards for her, unless we're claiming psychic powers.

 

[MandMaud]

But a mother who clucks over her kid and tries to be protective of them when they are an adult *is* going to get a negative reaction from them. Perhaps away from her prying eyes, when he feels free, he is entirely cheerful.

This is especially true if he's still living in her home. A young adult can find it harder to be sure they're really "grown up" when they're not fully "let loose out in the wide world".

If the parent is a smotherer, it's even harder, but I'd say this can be a problem regardless. No need for clucking; a parent can provoke the withdrawal reaction by existing.

The mother reached out to me in hopes of getting a reading which could tell her whether her son is gay or not. I chose to do a reading without her present and I am not going to tell her the outcome.

Ah, thanks, I get it.

Being gay and being depressed aren't related. Anxiety about being gay and/or about coming out can be related to depression, but so can any angst - feeling he should have pursued the interest in history and the arts which he gave up in favour of sciences ten years ago, for example. Being into tarot and assuming his family will be horrified about that. Finding he's impotent with both women and men but hasn't the courage to go to a doctor - I doubt many men would confide in their mother over that. These are hypothetical maybes, of course, just illustrating that it's the suppression of worry, fear or anger (etc etc) that can develop into depression, not any specific thing that he's worried/afraid/angry about.

And before being concerned about that, there's working out whether he's depressed at all.

In fact, how about doing a reading about the suspected depression itself?

 

[KnightOfTheCosmos]

I don't have a spread, and people provided you with great spreads already. However, I felt inclined to respond because this situation is rubbing me the wrong way. I may be the black sheep here and I, in no way, want to come off as abrasive or anything. But, as a queer person, I feel that doing a reading about a person's sexual orientation is an invasion of privacy. It should be up to the person in question to decide whether they want to come out or not. Personally, I would not even do a reading about his sexual orientation because I feel like that's not the most pressing issue here. I know you said you will not tell the mother the outcome because it's not your business but...that's the thing. It's not your business, or the mother's business. Someone's sexual orientation isn't anyone's business unless the person says something. Why not do a reading about his depression or what he can do to relieve himself of his depression? It just sounds to me that the mother is making this a cause and effect situation: he's depressed because he might be gay. When, in reality, those are two different situations. It COULD be related, but it might not be. She should focus on the fact that he's depressed, not that he might be gay.

I certainly would not want someone to do a reading on my sexual orientation, because I feel like that's invasive. They can literally just ask me. Again, that's just me.

Good luck with everything!

 

[Kdevi]

That looks like a good spread! I am definitely going to try that soon. I think I have "exhausted" my cards a little yesterday.

Well yes, but I think her concern is his happiness. She can tell he isn't happy, and she has seen some signs that might indicate he is gay. It's not about "blame" or "prying into his life" for her. She wants him to be happy, and if it were the case he was gay, she wants to start that conversation with him because it seems to her that he won't. He has definitely had periods of withdrawal and depression. He is like a Hermit sometimes to her which isn't normal because they are so close. I think this lady's question is a valid one given the circumstances.

I think the real question she should ask here is how can she assist him to feel comfortable with life in general, and her in particular, to create an healthy communication between them.

As a personal note, my opinion is she should invest some effort into really letting him know that she accepts him as a person, without sexual orientation even coming into the conversation.
If she truly thinks he is gay, and wants him to know she's okay with that, then she should find ways to let him know she supports the gay community.
If she asks him, and he's not, that could be very upsetting for him.
He may be struggling with anything: social phobias, anxiety, erectile dysfunction, undisclosed past trauma, academic problems, undiagnosed learning disorders, alcohol or substance abuse..... The list goes on.

 

[nisaba]

Maybe she is the overbearing type of parent and maybe she is not, I don't know.

Neither do I. But my point was that we can't believe that everything she says (or feels) is actually the full and complete truth. There could be any number of reasons why she might (or might not) be wrong about both her son being gay and her son being depressed - no one who is not actually the son will ever know for sure. And really, it's HIS business. If he doesn't want to talk to her, then it's not up to her to go to a reader for suggestions on how to go against his will. He'd talk to her if he wanted to. If he doesn't, then that's a fair sign he should be left alone, at least by her.

I'm also not so quick to assume the mother is necessarily the problem.

Nor am I. But if he wanted her to know what was going on, he'd have told her long ago. If he hasn't told her, he doesn't want her to know.

 

[JylliM]

Hmmm...seem to be lots of mother issues surfacing on this thread!
The mother's clearly trying to do the right thing, and as most of us know, we are all prone to make mistakes as parents. Better to try to reach out to someone who is depressed than to back off (because they're over eighteen and therefore an adult) and have a possible suicide. Might sound dramatic but the suicide stats for young men in this country at least are alarming. Maybe the question is not the best, but give the woman a break! She's concerned about someone she loves.
I suppose it's one of the skills of a tarot reader, trying to find the most constructive question for the querent's situation.

 

[Zephyros]

Maybe the question is not the best, but give the woman a break! She's concerned about someone she loves.

I agree, there seems to be some projection going on. We don't know anything about this woman other than the fact that she is worried because she has noticed her son is depressed. She suspects he is gay because he frequents gay clubs. Fair enough so far.

Suddenly she's overbearing, nosy, her son is depressed only around her, she's forcing, etc. While one could make a theoretical case for a Libertarian form of parenting, I really don't know many parents who would stand by and watch their child fall apart without doing or saying something. It may not always be the perfect thing to say or do, but we have no reason to believe that the smallest slip up will send the son reeling. I would actually hope for some kind of parental intervention before it is too late because... why not?

Should she, in my opinion, talk to him about her feelings in an open and honest way? Most definitely, with or without a reading. Would a reading help? I dunno. Could it hurt? I dunno. Could it hurt to try both ways and see what works? Nope, and that's the best way, in my opinion. Why weigh everything down when simple common sense dictates simply that two people talk?