Spread about sexual orientation

[TinaV]

Hmmm...seem to be lots of mother issues surfacing on this thread!
The mother's clearly trying to do the right thing, and as most of us know, we are all prone to make mistakes as parents. Better to try to reach out to someone who is depressed than to back off (because they're over eighteen and therefore an adult) and have a possible suicide. Might sound dramatic but the suicide stats for young men in this country at least are alarming. Maybe the question is not the best, but give the woman a break! She's concerned about someone she loves.
I suppose it's one of the skills of a tarot reader, trying to find the most constructive question for the querent's situation.

Those are my thoughts too! I can imagine it's really hard to see a loved one fall apart without being able to act on it. He has been living on his own for the past 10 years so not being "free" or "out in the world" is not the issue here. Her son has periods of emotional withdrawal. She believes that he may be gay but probably does not want to be gay because all of his male college and high school friends are either married or engaged now. He hangs out at gay bars but plays it off as "coincidental visits". Yet, he gets super excited when a gay person tries to hit on him. She wants to help him come out or at least help him accept who he is, and possibly prevent a suicide. Thank you for your reaction, JylliM!

I agree, there seems to be some projection going on. We don't know anything about this woman other than the fact that she is worried because she has noticed her son is depressed. She suspects he is gay because he frequents gay clubs. Fair enough so far.

Suddenly she's overbearing, nosy, her son is depressed only around her, she's forcing, etc. While one could make a theoretical case for a Libertarian form of parenting, I really don't know many parents who would stand by and watch their child fall apart without doing or saying something. It may not always be the perfect thing to say or do, but we have no reason to believe that the smallest slip up will send the son reeling. I would actually hope for some kind of parental intervention before it is too late because... why not?

Should she, in my opinion, talk to him about her feelings in an open and honest way? Most definitely, with or without a reading. Would a reading help? I dunno. Could it hurt? I dunno. Could it hurt to try both ways and see what works? Nope, and that's the best way, in my opinion. Why weigh everything down when simple common sense dictates simply that two people talk?

I also don't understand why a concerned parent in a situation like this is seen as intrusive, overbearing, etc. She is concerned about him. And he is not only shutting off when he is around his mother... He does that to his friends too.

To all the people that got so offended by this thread: if it turns out that he is gay but does not want to be, wouldn't it be wise for the mom to bring up the conversation in time before he harms himself? He definitely wouldn't be the first 30 year old man that would try to commit suicide over an issue like this. And I am sure some of the queer tarot readers on this forums can relate to this (conservative family, hometown, community, not wanting to accept your feelings, fear of your macho coworkers making fun of you, etc...)

Thank you for your reaction, Zephyros. I completely agree with you!

 

[gregory]

I'm not offended by the thread. But I don't see the need for a third party to read about this. If his mother is concerned about his state of mind, she, her own self, can raise that as a topic. While coming out can be scary and everything - it isn't always, and he could be low about something else. Also, as nisaba has said, she doesn't know how he is when she isn't around. He may well be upset with her and not with others.

But surely the thing is just to talk to him. If they are that close, that should be possible. If his sexuality is an issue, she can raise that if he doesn't - but it is up to him to come out, not a reading done by someone else. That bit does bug me.

 

[JylliM]

Those are my thoughts too! I can imagine it's really hard to see a loved one fall apart without being able to act on it. He has been living on his own for the past 10 years so not being "free" or "out in the world" is not the issue here. Her son has periods of emotional withdrawal. She believes that he may be gay but probably does not want to be gay because all of his male college and high school friends are either married or engaged now. He hangs out at gay bars but plays it off as "coincidental visits". Yet, he gets super excited when a gay person tries to hit on him. She wants to help him come out or at least help him accept who he is, and possibly prevent a suicide. Thank you for your reaction, JylliM!

That's okay, TinaV. I'm a bit dismayed by the judgemental attitudes displayed on this thread. For a community which is supposed to have a high proportion of empathic people, there is precious little empathy for the mother's situation shown here. Funny how so much is being read into her wanting to help her son. As Zephyros said, there's a lot of projection going on.
I really hope she gets the advice and support she needs in order to best support her son, and that all is well in time.

 

[Theta Choir]

If she truly thinks he is gay, and wants him to know she's okay with that, then she should find ways to let him know she supports the gay community.

This is the first thought I had, as well.

As a gay person, I don't find the OP offensive in the least (though everyone is entitled to their own emotional reactions; I'm not judging here).

What I can say is that point-blank asking someone "are you gay?" when they are not ready to speak aloud an answer to the affirmative can be detrimental, especially if they are dealing with depression. I know that when I was in the closet, what I needed in order to come out to someone was the knowledge that they were supportive of the lgbt community, or (at a bare minimum) had no judgmental issues toward the community.

I would advise the mother to just start mentioning lgbt issues that are occurring in the news, and express support that way. It would be non-threatening to her son (since it isn't about him specifically) and would go a long way towards making him feel comfortable enough to come out to her (assuming, of course, that he *is* gay. Which, of course, we *shouldn't* at this point, lol).

As for asking the cards, I agree with those saying that asking them if the son is gay isn't necessarily the most productive way to address the situation (especially since, as someone pointed out, "gay" and "straight" are certainly not the only options to be considered). However, I do think the cards can be very helpful to the mother on the issue of what she can do to be supportive of her son no matter what he is going through.

For what it's worth, TinaV, I think you're being a good friend to the mother. I'm especially impressed that you've taken the time to consider all possible angles to the issue, and even took the additional step to ask for feedback from the tarot community.

 

[KnightOfTheCosmos]

Eh. I personally don't see a problem with whether people are offended or not. I mean, we don't know the personal lives of anyone on this forum so we don't know what they've been through.

I still think it's an invasive question to ask. I'm not saying the mother doesn't care (and to be quite honest, I don't think other people in this thread are saying that either). You can care for your child and go about showing that care in the wrong way.

I'm gay, and I just would not have preferred it if my mother asking a third party about my sexual orientation. I'm so glad I came out to her on my own. She DID ask me, but at the time I just gave a vague answer. I was glad that she asked me, though. Because it made me realize that it might not be so bad coming out to her. And it wasn't! It went so smooth. So, I would not mind someone coming right out asking me if I'm gay, but everyone jives differently, you know? I would just rather my mom come straight to me and say, "Are you gay?" than finding out from a third party and then saying, "So I heard from so and so that...". See what I mean? And I'm curious: if the cards DID tell you he was gay, how would she have relayed that information to the son?

However OP (and I'm not dragging you for this, lol) the way the post was worded made myself and other people think that the mother was equating his being depressed to his sexual orientation, which I'm sure why you can see would make people a little uneasy. I don't think people in this thread are being judgmental. I think they're all probably wondering why the mother didn't ask how she can help her son with his depression instead. Maybe people in this thread have had a third party interfere in their personal matters and they didn't like that one bit. I personally know what that's like and I wish I could have told the person involved myself. I was so embarrassed and I was forced to speak about a topic I really didn't plan to talk about. This has happened multiple times by people who thought they were helping when they made things so much worse.

I think your heart is in the right place, OP, but this is a situation you REALLY have to think about from all perspectives. Sometimes a person thinks they're helping but they're not, and vice versa. Again, good luck!