Torn between Christianity and... Something else?

[Citrin]

I'm struggling a lot with moving forward on my spiritual path lately. Wanted to see if someone else recognizes this?

It's like I have one foot in the Christian world and one foot in the ”spiritual” world or whatever you want to call it. Since my childhood/teen years I've been drawn to ”witchy” stuff. I used to borrow witchy/wicca books from the library, always felt drawn to the energy of the moon, and did little spells, etc...

Then I became Catholic and for a few years I was a devout Catholic (I still used tarot though lol!). This kind of ended when I couldn't ignore how hypocritical the church/priests could be at times. I lost all inspiration of going to mass because the heavy judgemental preachings made me mad and felt so far away from love (and God IS love so church should be about love!). Just my personal thoughts, I hope I don't offend anyone.

And now I'm lost because again I am drawn to the witchy/spiritual world, but also scared that maybe it IS in fact ”evil” like the church teaches? I want to go deeper into exploring my spirituality, meditation, reiki (would love to do the step 1 course!), connecting with earth, stars and the moon, work with the moon phases... But at the same time I believe in Jesus, God, Mother Mary... And what if I will get punished (??) for not being enough monotheistic?

I'm not really drawn to going to church, talking/listening to priests, and well not even reading the bible to be honest, but I don't want to leave the church officially since it's family tradition to be Catholic. Since I'm not devout, should I just leave the church completely? Or can I stay as a member but live my own spiritual life meanwhile? Those thoughts are spinning around in my head lately. I have trouble getting them straight.

I tried to get to the core of my beliefs. All I could think of was that I truly feel like all religion is "correct" so to speak. It doesn't matter if you pray to Ganesha, Shiva, Allah, the Universe, Source, Jesus, etc because God will hear that prayer no matter what you call him/her.

I'd just love to talk to someone who has felt the same, now or a long time ago doesn't matter. Any thoughts for a confused woman?

(Edit: Just to be clear, there's no pressure at all from my family to be Catholic, none of them go to church or pray on a regular basis. )

 

[Apollonia]

Being that I had been totally turned off to all things Christian as a young person, when I was in my 40s I intentionally turned away from Christianity and decided to see what else was out there. I took numerous metaphysical classes, connected with various Ascended Masters, read and studied everything that appealed to me (and more important, a lot of things that had frightened me, or that I had been warned against, when I was on the Christian path).

I was astonished when, several years into my studies, Jesus and the Holy Mother began showing up uninvited (but very welcome). And I hadn't even been a Catholic, just a lukewarm Methodist (and they start out pretty lukewarm to begin with).

I don't think you can go far wrong studying anything if you keep your vibration high, harm none (including yourself) and do what feels right to you. My guides have told me that two things drive out fear: love, and action. Choose something and do it with loving energy, and you will find, I think, that your fear diminishes greatly. Among all the other gifts, God gave us a brain and free will, and He will not turn against you for exercising them.

 

[Citrin]

Apollonia, thank you so much for replying! Such an interesting journey for you. It kind of made me think that if I'm on the wrong path - Wouldn't an open mind mean that I'm also open for God/Jesus to show me a sign? If we're open for a message to come through, it will come through, right?

I agree that intention is everything. Doing something, anything? with a pure heart, meaning to not harm, won't have negative consequences from God since God is good and God is love.

I've always been scared of having supernatural experiences, so even when I was very Catholic I think I'd be terrified if Jesus showed up in front of me lol Lately I really feel I am giving up this fear. I'm more open than ever for anything like that to show up, be it angels, Buddha, Jesus, Mary, whatever prophet or saint or ghost... They're welcome as long as they're good to me.

 

[BodhiSeed]

I was raised in a fairly fundamental Christian church, and left it in my early thirties. I found I couldn't make myself believe what they told me I must believe. It was a period of feeling like I was in limbo, plus I lost many friends because I was disfellowshipped by the church. In the aftermath, I studied every religion and philosophy that I could find, always looking for the right fit. I finally realized that none of them would ever fit me perfectly. I've come to believe that religions are humans' attempts at finding security and making sense of Reality. And while I am on board with the spiritual principles many of them suggest (mindfulness, forgiveness, etc.), I don't think I'll ever accept all the dogma that is attached to the religion itself. But that's okay, because I'm finally getting comfortable with that uncertainty and have created a spiritual practice based on those principles.

I came across this by Richard Rohr (a Franciscan friar) which seems to speak to your dilemma:
"The word [repent] quite literally means change or even more precisely 'Change your minds!' (Mark 1:15, Matthew 4:17).Given that, it is quite strange that the religion founded in Jesus' name has been very resistant to change and has tended to love and protect the past and the status quo much more than the positive and hopeful futures that could be brought about by people agreeing to change. Maybe that is why our earth is so depleted and our politics are so pathetic. We have not taught a spirituality of actual change or growth, which is what an alternative orthodoxy always asks of you.
To be afraid of change is to be afraid of growing up. Change and growth are finally the same thing. Unfortunately, the church has trained many people in not growing up."

 

[Citrin]

It was a period of feeling like I was in limbo, plus I lost many friends because I was disfellowshipped by the church. In the aftermath, I studied every religion and philosophy that I could find, always looking for the right fit. I finally realized that none of them would ever fit me perfectly.

Oh, this, this is what I am starting to realize!

I've always been very much of a seeker. I've researched so many different religions and philosophies (different variations of Christianity, Judaism, Kabbalah, Taoism etc) but after a while I often feel like something doesn't sit quite right with me. I'm starting to realize I might not be a good fit for an organized religion! Maybe a more solitary (?) path is what I need. I often feel held back by rules, though it is what drew me in when I was a very confused and actually ill (borderline personality disorder which I am now free from) teenager. I wanted to lean on rules, not having to feel/think for myself (not saying this applies to all or even most Christians, it was just my experience).

Thanks for sharing that quote. I really like it. Change and growth has been a huge part of my life the latest 15 years and seeing how the church often tries to fight it really turns me off...

 

[bonebeach]

I've never felt the conflict you describe, but I think it's very natural. I'll offer one piece of advice, though, that I've mentioned before on this forum, and many others.

There's the Afro diaspora religions--think Santeria, think Vodou.

Almost everyone in those religions is also a devout Catholic. Whether or not the Pope agrees with that varies from pope to pope (Jean Paul was fairly cool with it, Benedict was not), but the fact remains that there are many, many people in this world who see no contradiction with practicing folk magic and an Abrahamic religion at the same time. And at least some of those people are doing very well for themselves, so I don't think there's much punishment going on.

I think you'll be fine, and you've gotten lots of good advice in this thread. Enjoy your journey!

 

[Padma]

Hey I am a lapsed Catholic who still loves Mary (in all her forms!)

I would not be afraid of Wicca, as it is based on loving and respecting the Earth, and nature, and tends to centre around "white magic" where spells are based on good intention, and only practised on the self (i.e. rather than cast a spell on someone who is bothering you, you would create a protection spell for yourself). As God created the Earth, according to the bible, then worshiping nature through Wicca can hardly be a bad thing against God (whatever you may conceive God to be).

1) Intention is everything...
2) Love is a force for good...
3) Nature is safe to love. A forest is just as good and holy as a cathedral. Because according to the bible, God made the forests. And according to the bible, God made you, too. So if you believe in what it says in the bible, then you are good to go

Further, my mother, who was pretty much raised by excessively devout Catholic nuns, once told me that if God or Jesus is not alive and well in your heart, then you will not find them anywhere else. She told me I never needed to go to church, as long as the Spirit dwelt within my heart. Because the heart is the true seat of God. So maybe you can take comfort from that

 

[Citrin]

I've never felt the conflict you describe, but I think it's very natural. I'll offer one piece of advice, though, that I've mentioned before on this forum, and many others.

There's the Afro diaspora religions--think Santeria, think Vodou.

Almost everyone in those religions is also a devout Catholic. Whether or not the Pope agrees with that varies from pope to pope (Jean Paul was fairly cool with it, Benedict was not), but the fact remains that there are many, many people in this world who see no contradiction with practicing folk magic and an Abrahamic religion at the same time. And at least some of those people are doing very well for themselves, so I don't think there's much punishment going on.

I think you'll be fine, and you've gotten lots of good advice in this thread. Enjoy your journey!

Haha that actually had me googling quite a bit, seeing that the Catholic church quite often seems to approve of different "local practices" which are often borderline magic/"spiritual". Thank you, it made me smile. I realize I kind of want to have the cake and eat it too lol

 

[Citrin]

Hey I am a lapsed Catholic who still loves Mary (in all her forms!)

I would not be afraid of Wicca, as it is based on loving and respecting the Earth, and nature, and tends to centre around "white magic" where spells are based on good intention, and only practised on the self (i.e. rather than cast a spell on someone who is bothering you, you would create a protection spell for yourself). As God created the Earth, according to the bible, then worshiping nature through Wicca can hardly be a bad thing against God (whatever you may conceive God to be).

1) Intention is everything...
2) Love is a force for good...
3) Nature is safe to love. A forest is just as good and holy as a cathedral. Because according to the bible, God made the forests. And according to the bible, God made you, too. So if you believe in what it says in the bible, then you are good to go

Further, my mother, who was pretty much raised by excessively devout Catholic nuns, once told me that if God or Jesus is not alive and well in your heart, then you will not find them anywhere else. She told me I never needed to go to church, as long as the Spirit dwelt within my heart. Because the heart is the true seat of God. So maybe you can take comfort from that

Thank you for replying! <3
I definitely agree, intention is so important. And I love your last paragraph... There are quite a few people who go to church every Sunday of the year, but while there just sit and daydream. For me it wouldn't make sense if that was more important than actually, like you put it, have God and Jesus in our heart. God is everywhere, at all times, and I think the closest communication often does not take place in church, but rather in the stillness of ones home, or even in nature.

If you don't mind me asking, are you still a member of the Catholic church or have left completely?

 

[MissNine]

Hi there. I sometimes say I'm a recovering Catholic for fun. Heard it from someone else. I was raised Catholic and went to catholic elementary school.

After becoming more in tune spiritually, and being able to channel "God" for people of different religions, I came to the conclusion that there's a creator/source because if I'm only connected with the Catholic God, how can I talk with Muslim God? Clearly, something bigger was happening than I was taught back at the Catholic school i attended. I can't remember who said it on a spirituality thread, but I totally agree that man made God in his likeness and not the other way around. Last I read in the bible, there was no specific club card Jesus and the brothers toted around to talk to God with, so I don't think it matters to the above/source what path we take, so long as we live with respect for each other. Just my take. And i still consider myself a Catholic, btw.

I think the problem with established religions is the establishment. Anytime you have a hierarchy, power corrupts. That's what really bothers me. Power and ego are temptations no matter what part of history you study. There's many religions that say if you're not with us, you're going to hell. I find that such a strange thing, as no man has the power to condemn someone to hell. And on what basis? So long as I live a life respecting others and practicing kindness and love, I'm living the way I should and will get to heaven.