Torn between Christianity and... Something else?

[HeidiLynn]

It's good to know we're never truly alone...

I was raised very southern Baptist... but also even more fundamental then the baptists.
But have been iresistable draw towards magic and witches since I was a teenager. Although I kept it stifled until the last 10 years or so.

My mom was HUGE in the local homeschooling movement.. so in addition to the religion on Sundays we were kept out of school and away from "sin and evil and those that love both" on a daily basis. To say we were sheltered and thoroughly indoctrinated would be an understatement.

The one good thing my mother did for me was encourage us kids (there is 11 of us) to ask questions and think for our selves. Of course we weren't allowed to question her or what she taught us, just everything else lol.

To date, I'm the only one that has actively questioned the religious beliefs we were taught were right.

5 years ago, I was in a church where a certain member of the leaders of the church was accused of being overly affectionate with the preteen girls class that his wife taught. The church leaders ignored the mothers and fathers who complained and even when it waS discovered that he'd been asked to leave other churches for the SAME complaints the church leaders protected this man instead of listening to the parents.

That was the last time I darkened the door of a church. I had been molested as a child and it wad known and allowed to happen by my good Christian mother, I took comfort in the fact that what I endured spared my younger siblings, sisters and brothers.

After leaving the church, I had a void. Was it Christianity or simply Christians that I had a problem with. So i began to study and read. I read and read and read... trying to firm up the foundations of my crumbling faith.

Lol, as I read and studied my Bible and approved, even esteemed authors.. I ended up finding more questions than I could find answers for..
But I kept at it... reading studying trying

But I finally had to admit that I had lost faith in the Christian faith. And simply started to look for the answers elsewhere.

Now I consider myself a Pagan, maybe even Wiccan, but definitely something of a polytheist.

I have an alter and light my candles and say my prayers to the God or Goddess of my choice, knowing that my prayers will be heard and answered either way by "The Supreme God and Goddess"no matter what name I call them.

I've tried to share my struggles and questions with my brothers and sisters but they are content not asking questions, and prefer to believe that I'm apostate because it allows me to live the way I choose which is contrary to how they feel I should live.
So I don't discuss it with them, and I donate the books I get anonymously in the mail to the local library.

Lol I live in the Bible belt... and it's simply not acceptable to be anything other than Christian, whatever the church you attend.

So I keep to myself for the most part. It's one of the reasons that I love this forum.
I'm able to discuss with others what makes me an outcast here where I live.

 

[Citrin]

Oh gosh Heidi Lynn, I'm so sorry you had to go through that as a child. But also so glad you've finally found your path! I also tried to frantically study the Bible and catholicism for a while, determined that it was indeed the right faith, I just had to try harder and stop being egoistic. But no, just like you I found more questions than answers... If I were to ever go back to being a strict Bible or Christ follower I could simply not deal with any church or organization. There's too much shit there unfortunately.

Hugs to you and thank you for sharing your story!

 

[Morwenna]

A few bits:

My favorite slogan button says "God is too big to fit inside one religion."

My husband says: "I have no problem with Jesus; it's his fanatical fan club that's the problem," and "There is one god, and 5000 religions that claim to know him personally."

One of our Jewish friends has been studying the historical aspects of the Bible for a long time and says that the Bible is a big mashup of history, legend, and fiction. I've read commentators from the Christian angle that say nearly the same thing.

It all comes down to hypocrisy, doesn't it? According to the Gospels, Jesus was accepting of everybody, but he had no patience with hypocrites, and he insisted that people should help one another. So many people just don't get that, certainly don't live by it, even though they loudly proclaim themselves as Christians. They give Christianity a bad name.

I will probably consider myself Christo-Pagan for the rest of my life, despite the people who say that such a thing is impossible. If I say it is possible for me, that's all that matters.

 

[MoonLana]

A few bits:

My favorite slogan button says "God is too big to fit inside one religion."

My husband says: "I have no problem with Jesus; it's his fanatical fan club that's the problem," and "There is one god, and 5000 religions that claim to know him personally."

One of our Jewish friends has been studying the historical aspects of the Bible for a long time and says that the Bible is a big mashup of history, legend, and fiction. I've read commentators from the Christian angle that say nearly the same thing.

It all comes down to hypocrisy, doesn't it? According to the Gospels, Jesus was accepting of everybody, but he had no patience with hypocrites, and he insisted that people should help one another. So many people just don't get that, certainly don't live by it, even though they loudly proclaim themselves as Christians. They give Christianity a bad name.

I will probably consider myself Christo-Pagan for the rest of my life, despite the people who say that such a thing is impossible. If I say it is possible for me, that's all that matters.

Yesh, I get you. It seriously irks me when people say how devout they are, or how much they love and follow the way of Christ, yet can turn around and be so horrible to a fellow human being. Sometimes you have a bad day and you can be snappy, but the people who are downright mean and cruel, AND who enjoy it and see nothing wrong with it, then go to church can really get my goat.

I am Christo-Pagan too, it is possible. Doing the right thing and having compassion for living things is what God intended, as long as you do that you're golden, some people use religion as a means to justify how horrible they can be and to spread their hate. The exact opposite of what it should be used for.

And to OP I too had struggled, with my faith. My Mom was and still is a devout Catholic and religion was very touchy for her, my Dad on the other hand was more relaxed. Said he believed in God, but didn't believe he had to go to Church to worship or talk to him, I got a lot of my beliefs from him. But my Mom was always there, I went to bible study sometimes with friends and I would just have so many questions, and I would disagree with some of the stuff they were teaching, eventually I stopped going.

Following a good path to what you believe in is right. Maybe our beliefs slightly differ, but our hopes and feelings are the same, love and belief in a being whether one god or many.

 

[re-pete-a]

If you stick with the dogma of any of the faiths it is usually used as a control tool or a weapon...Even today it's happening. Some need that sort of guidance for the present level of mind .

All of the BOOKS histories has been in the hands of men...powerful egotistical men...that being so, the point of a sword was always dirtied with the blood of the resisters...all have that history attached.

If any of the curious were to use these books as a guide to life then there's a chance that some good will come of them...

The same goes for "The letter of the Law"... in certain hands it's a guide...for the unscrupulous it's weapon...

It's all up to the individual...there is good and bad in everything.. even Wiccan, people , life, night ,day...on and on it goes...

What I feel is happening is a game of GUILTZ....(which happens to most that move away from indocrinations)

If you were to follow your heart instead of your head you may be able to navigate your way to something that suits you for now...Things change ,often.

The blame game is a head game...it will never stop making loud noises in the head department for as long as it is used. It tends to get the weaver stuck in a loop f revenges and blames...

I would suggest that you just smoothly slide into whatever takes your fancy..then slide away if it doesn't suit...

 

[ravenest]

I'm struggling a lot with moving forward on my spiritual path lately. Wanted to see if someone else recognizes this?

It's like I have one foot in the Christian world and one foot in the ”spiritual” world or whatever you want to call it. Since my childhood/teen years I've been drawn to ”witchy” stuff. I used to borrow witchy/wicca books from the library, always felt drawn to the energy of the moon, and did little spells, etc...

Then I became Catholic and for a few years I was a devout Catholic (I still used tarot though lol!). This kind of ended when I couldn't ignore how hypocritical the church/priests could be at times. I lost all inspiration of going to mass because the heavy judgemental preachings made me mad and felt so far away from love (and God IS love so church should be about love!). Just my personal thoughts, I hope I don't offend anyone.

And now I'm lost because again I am drawn to the witchy/spiritual world, but also scared that maybe it IS in fact ”evil” like the church teaches? I want to go deeper into exploring my spirituality, meditation, reiki (would love to do the step 1 course!), connecting with earth, stars and the moon, work with the moon phases... But at the same time I believe in Jesus, God, Mother Mary... And what if I will get punished (??) for not being enough monotheistic?

I'm not really drawn to going to church, talking/listening to priests, and well not even reading the bible to be honest, but I don't want to leave the church officially since it's family tradition to be Catholic. Since I'm not devout, should I just leave the church completely? Or can I stay as a member but live my own spiritual life meanwhile? Those thoughts are spinning around in my head lately. I have trouble getting them straight.

I tried to get to the core of my beliefs. All I could think of was that I truly feel like all religion is "correct" so to speak. It doesn't matter if you pray to Ganesha, Shiva, Allah, the Universe, Source, Jesus, etc because God will hear that prayer no matter what you call him/her.

I'd just love to talk to someone who has felt the same, now or a long time ago doesn't matter. Any thoughts for a confused woman?

(Edit: Just to be clear, there's no pressure at all from my family to be Catholic, none of them go to church or pray on a regular basis. )

Before 1400 the Christian church incorporated such things ... not paganism or 'witchy stuff' but hermetics. Also back then they embraced such concepts as 'perennial philosophy' and 'progressive revelation' . Its worth looking those terms up, you might find concepts closer to your opening view on these matters.

Also there is an extension of progressive revelation into today's religious expression in the religion known as the Baha'i Faith , which recognizes and honors other prophets and religions.

http://www.bahai.org/

 

[Tanga]

My favorite slogan button says "God is too big to fit inside one religion."

I like that. Except I'd tweak the masculine part and make it more amorphous

I was brought up (loosely) Catholic and always knew it wasn't the right fit for me.
So I just went through the motions at the time.
On my journeys away from home - I met and explored different ideas.
Now I find Eclectic Wiccan fits me best - though I might disagree with them too.

Human nature is just human nature - falling into the same traps mostly - whatever the religion/beliefs. And good and evil - are our inventions IMO.

And ahh - a spell and a prayer - are the same thing to me (different beliefs about how they actually work).
I prefer spells where I can more creatively make it up myself, and add pretty bits to it. Lol.

 

[Milfoil]

So many of us have had this same dilemma and I am no exception.

Brought up Christian (Catholic Father, C of E Mother), I even started down the path of training for the Methodist lay ministry at one point but the same kind of questions kept raising their heads.

What I have found through studying other belief systems and cultures is that many will incorporate aspects of Christianity such as Catholic saints, alongside their own native culture/religion (Curanderas of Mexico, Louisiana Vodoun etc).

Personally, I have found it liberating to honour my Catholic Ancestors and acknowledge the draw towards what, for me, seemed like a terrible organisation/religion by doing just that, honouring what works and means something. People talk about the Christ consciousness and it is possible, if you wish to explore that route, to acknowledge and embrace the essential qualities and teachings of such grace and love within your own personal beliefs.

Explore everything that fits your current understanding of what spirituality is and allow that to evolve and deepen as you learn more and mature.

You don't have to choose one path, only to sift and be honest to yourself. There are so many beliefs and religions in the world, it makes no sense that only one is right, in it's entirety. That's what makes walking your own path of integrity so difficult and following a pre prescribed religion, so easy. Perhaps there is no such thing as a right or ultimate truth, only a journey.

One last thing. Most of this exploration into religion and belief is about forgiveness and acceptance. We learn how to forgive the mistakes of humans over the centuries and understand that they held sometimes very different ideas to us but we do not have to accept that those mistakes, actions or beliefs have any hold over us.

Wishing you a blessed journey.

 

[EmpressArwen]

What an interesting thread!

My religious past is very convoluted. Raised by non religious parents until age 12 when my dad decided I needed church. He was Lutheran growing up so we (my dad and me) attended a Lutheran church for a few years until my parents divorced. Then it was time for me to explore...I studied Wicca, Paganism, Judiasm, Hinduism, Buddhism, Christianity (in all its forms and denominations).Ended up marrying a Catholic man who requested that we raise our kids Catholic. Sure why not? lol I had no religious affiliation so joined the Church as well.

Now: I am Catholic but a terrible one. Attend church very rarely. I do love the ritual, the quiet peace, the Rosary, etc...but...I cannot be contained. I feel like I am suffocating when I attempt to box myself into a set belief system. I don't even try anymore.

I believe in God (which I don't attempt to define as God seems an unfathomable concept). I believe in Jesus. I believe in the Spirit...or soul if you will. I believe in guides. In angels. In magick. In the Golden Rule. In darkness and in light...and how both of those aspects and everything in between are in us, around us, everywhere...even in God.

I sought for so long to have a definition. I no longer worry about that. I am going to live my life. Try to be a good person (fail most days)...and connect to the Source in my own way. Anything else feels stifling and fake to me. I respect that everyone must find their way through life and some find it in religion. That is great for them...but for me...no.

Good luck on your journey!

 

[re-pete-a]

There's an old saying....

"There are no atheists in the trenches...."


Meaning that everyone there in that WW1 had a god of sorts...


So everything is OKEY-Dokey until the pressures on....then we tend to look for an emotional shelter.