'Blind' reading

[ravenest]

I guess I just need to get it off my chest.

Guy I know asks for a reading. More often than not nowadays, I decline. This time I didnt. He is staying here 'for a few days' at my friends place.

I gave my pre-rave; I tell you things generally, its up to you to associate the patterns and lessons in the reading with the events in your life. If you want to talk about that with me thats fine, or you can keep the specific details of its relationship to your personal life private - thats up to you.

It seemed a bit tough; started with 5 swords ... blah blah ... ended with Death and The Tower.

Blah blah - rave rave. The reading seemed to end well. During it emotional stuff came up for him but he didnt share (except some tears and river of snot , which I told him to go outside with and eliminate ). I was totally impartial, non-projecting, and actually, I was impressed with myself for being so ... good on you ravenest, job well done !

But then the friend who he is staying with comes around and tells me why. He has done this thing he should NOT have done, and that has bought up a LOT of stuff for me

Now I see that reading in a different light ! And how relevant it was to his specific situation.

It involves domestic abuse, within a new marriage and they have this great wonderful new little baby. Now he has wrecked all this has a stay away order put on him and is due in court for assault and other charges.

I am livid! This is one of my LEAST favourite things ! Instead of being the impartial tarot reader, if I had known at the time, I would have wanted to throw him around the house and scream at him "How do YOU like it - you big bully ! "

- I wish I HAD projected my own stuff and judgement into the reading ! And given him a serve !

I am usually very 'clear' in this respect, in a reading. But this one really got me. - I found my limit !

When I calm down .... I will have to communicate to him what I feel about all that (deep breaths ... count to 10 ... sink into hara .... ) he has offered to do all this free work and maintenance here ... which is needed, I have decided; no thanks, I dont want him around, I have too much 'stuff' about that issue !

Oh dear .... reading for people you know !

 

[nisaba]

When you are actually doing the reading, do the reading.

And sadly, what happens in the reading, stays in the reading. You can't mention it again unless he does outside of the situation.

You can say "I have heard that you ..." and decide to cut all social ties with him, but you did the only thing possible during the reading. After all, you were NOT reading for his partner and his baby - you were reading for him. You get to see the world as it is for him, which obviously includes rivers of snot over the whole business.

You did the right thing. You don't have to like your clients (during or after) but you have to read FOR THEM.

 

[prudence]

But would it have been "wrong" of ravenest to refuse to read for this guy if he had known the situation before he read?

It's a tough call, and considering ravenest's admitted issues with domestic violence and all it entails, I think the deception by omission on the sitter's part was rather scummy. Maybe weasel-ish is a better word? Though I guess it did spare ravenest from having terribly bruised and scraped knuckles!

 

[MandMaud]

I can't see that it would have been wrong to refuse to do the reading. Surely any reader has to reserve the right to refuse any reading? For any reason? With or without explaining the reason?

And ravenest, you didn't know what had been going on. Just as the cards were for that guy, about his situation at *that* time - so also, the reading you did was what you saw, at that time, and at *that* moment in your life, knowledge that he's an abuser didn't exist. In your life.

And you were impartial. So really, you didn't help him or tell him anything - the cards did.

You also have the right to reject anyone as a friend, or a volunteer worker, or anything else. Sounds like you'd lose a lot more in peace of mind, karma, etc, than you'd gain by having him do that work.

I personally don't think it was "unfair" of him not to mention what he'd done. I can't imagine many people saying, "Oh, and by the way I beat my wife up." Even in the private, intimate context of an emotional tarot reading. I don't know whether he's aware that abuse is a sore spot in particular, but if so he could have thought it was "better" just not to mention it. The state of mind called denial is bound to be part of his mental state...

He's going to be emotional - abusers are. They're not people who are completely together about what's going on inside their minds! They're not clear in their thinking and in control of their feelings. By definition.

In a minor way, very minor compared with his wife, you're another victim of his abuse. He dumped a load of his own problems onto you, leaned his whole weight on you in a manner of speaking. No wonder you're shocked and feeling betrayed and all the rest of that. But if you are also feeling you did wrong (or omitted to do right)... you didn't. Be clear about who is the wrongdoer here.

Let's hope he's one of the few who can be rehabilitated and stop abusing; let's hope he takes something from that reading which feeds into his life and his actions heading towards better patterns. But that's his job. His life not yours.

Good luck in the out-of-my-life conversation. Remember there's no hurry to get that done.

 

[Zephyros]

In a court of justice, everyone has a right to representation and a fair trial. Although a Tarot reading is something quite different, I think everyone should have a chance to improve themselves and their lives. I am by no means saying the guy should be forgiven or cut some slack, but that is isn't about those things at all. In effect, it isn't about you at all, but all about him.

Of course it is up to the reader to allow or deny readings, but I think that even in that situation there is no room for judgement, however bad the person may be. In your capacity as a human being, tell him whatever you want. In your capacity as a Tarot reader, on the other hand, I don't think it is your place. It's a gray area, of course. If Hitler were to come to me and ask me how to kill more people, I would obviously both judge and deny the reading, but in many other cases I deal with the issue by the seat of my pants.

I remember someone posted an issue here once, about denying a reading for a woman who was seeing a married man, on the grounds that it was "wrong." In that situation, judgement really isn't possible, because you never know the ins and outs of the situation, all you have is a lot of stickiness. I don't think there is one blanket moral code one should go by, every case on its own merits.

 

[closerwalking]

It sounds like you feel manipulated and used. what led you to be lenient towards him this time? (not judging, but is helpful to reflect on what you were thinking, feeling, so won't fall there again) Were you just tired? How do other people handle this? how do you tell when to give or not give a reading? gut feelings? how can we protect ourselves from not being pulled into someone else's mind games, that are abusive in nature. what sort of questions could one ask to ferret out underlying motives? This is a tough issue, thank you for bringing it up. some folks are adept at manipulating, using people for selfish reasons. We all have blind spots. or get tired, etc.

 

[Laurelle]

I like what Jesus said about forgiveness.

"They know not what they do."

 

[Amanda]

I like what Jesus said about forgiveness.

"They know not what they do."

I wonder if Jesus was counting on someone much less kind and much less sympathetic to let them know...

 

[prudence]

In a minor way, very minor compared with his wife, you're another victim of his abuse. He dumped a load of his own problems onto you, leaned his whole weight on you in a manner of speaking. No wonder you're shocked and feeling betrayed and all the rest of that. But if you are also feeling you did wrong (or omitted to do right)... you didn't. Be clear about who is the wrongdoer here.

I agree, which is why I used the inelegant terms "scummy and weasel-ish" to describe this omission.

Ravenest, I am thinking it would be more unethical to read for this guy, knowing what he had done, and then giving him a beating, than it would have been to refuse the reading, knowing your own, deeply held feelings about this kind of situation and what it could lead you to do (to him). Though I think you are much more in control of your feelings than this particular fellow.

 

[Zephyros]

But you can't always know beforehand what a person is like. Many readers here have probably read for strangers without knowing that they may have done terrible things. Plus, society itself thrives when wrongdoers reform, and a Tarot reading may be an instrument of that.

I mean, sometimes things get heavier than "does he like me" kind of readings, sometimes it's the real deal, real life. You can't avoid or run away from moral dilemmas. If a serial killer were to ask me for a reading, would I acquiesce? Most definitely, provided the question was how to do better by himself and society.

I don't know if a wife beater can reform, I honestly don't. But it's always worth a try, and it is such a small thing for me to do a reading, but it may be life-changing for them.